Why Do We Worry?

Seriously people, it has been a bad week with worrying! But why am I worrying to the point that it makes my stomach be tied up with knots? Well the logical answer is that I am afraid he is going to break my heart and so I analyze everything(yeah, I know, not a good idea at all) to look for signs of him losing interest. What have I learned? You can take any good thing and twist it into something bad. Instead of thinking of how great this is, I have been focusing on analyzing each text and trying to see if he is going to end it. Why would I do this? It is making me miserable. It's because it is all I've ever known. That is, getting my heart broken. What I don't know is how to date someone and get engaged and get married and then make a marriage work. You talk about taking a leap of faith and taking the first few steps into the dark, well that is what I have been doing. And for the first time in my entire life, I have felt like this could be too hard. Those words have never been uttered before from this girl. When I see something important to me, with the Lords help, I always know I will reach my goal. While this has been by far the most amazing and joyful and exciting and wonderful experience, it has also tested my patience, understanding, trust and just about everything in me to my very core. So I guess the next question is: Is this worth it? Is he worth it to me? The answer will always be yes with him and therefore I will never give up because it is hard. It only takes me a few seconds to remember that when I finally get to see him.

What I can't handle is the anxiety, the worry and the doubt that is coming from Satan. I am allowing that to have a place in me. I wish I could say that I won't let it in ever again, but I have to be realistic. What I will say is that I will pray every single time that it does come for peace and to remember how I feel when I am with him.

Last night I saw him after having this week of worry. Literally within seconds of him walking down my stairs, I felt at home and completely at ease with us. I feel like we are giddy about each other after 4 months and really enjoy talking to each other...and making out of course. :) It just feels good and like I am at home when I am with him. I wish I could see him more but that isn't possible for a couple more months. But it is soon and that is what I keep hanging on for. He is worth it. I just have to remember being with him when I am not. I want us to work out. It will if it is supposed to.

V-Day

First, I met his family and I adore them. They remind me of my family and it puts me perfectly at ease with them. His cousin is adorable and just someone you want to hug!

So on to the dreadful holiday of Valentine's Day. It is the day before at 3pm and I still don't know if I will be seeing him for V-day. He knows I have a present for him. I know that he loves giving gifts. I know that at Christmas time he surprised me with a gift. What I don't know is still if I have plans with him tomorrow. So I have two choices here, be fine with not seeing him and him not doing anything and me still giving him the present and be fine with that, or being pissy and angry that I don't matter enough for him to do something. I'm sure there is some middle ground but honestly, there are only two choices. I want him to do something so it validates to me that he cares. I want to feel special. But I know how crazy busy and stressed he is at this moment with the added school work. I hope that I am confident enough in us and where we are at that I will be fine with him doing nothing if it goes down that way. I will have a hard time with that but I can still choose my reaction. We would be having a conversation if it did go down like that. But I believe chances are amazingly good that he will do something for me. He is good like that. Most of all, I just want to spend time with him. I don't need chocolate or roses, just him holding me close and I am golden. I hope to make the best choices tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!!

Love this Blog

The one thing that I love about this blog is that I can say anything I want and not feel stupid about it. I received a priesthood blessing and in it among other things, it stated that I needed to find a new medium to express myself. I investigated it for about a week and decided that this was it. So today, I am going to again say whatever I want.

Birth control. I'm pretty sure it makes people crazy. Well, at least it makes me feel like my emotions are everywhere. And it doesn't help that they are already in a heightened state right now. I came home from church today and got down on my knees to pray to the only source that brings me true peace. It is helping.

I have a lot of thoughts so I am just going to put them on paper and maybe one day, someone will be where I am right now and it will help.

Every single day that I am with this man, I am truly happier than I ever have been. I am at peace down to my very core. I feel comfortable in ways that I never knew I could with someone. And I want to be with him more each day. At this point, I still see him about once a week. His school schedule demands his time, and time is exactly what school gets. I fully support this. If I was in his shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing. He is great about texting me each day, morning, noon and night. If he didn't do that, I would not be able to do this. He also dated and almost married a woman for 2 years and only saw her once a week. He is loyal and knowing that he can do that gives me hope. But I guess at this point, will there ever come a time where I get to see and be with him every day? I want to. I know that for him to succeed in school right now, he can't see me even close to that often. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.

Today in church I read a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 84:84, "take ye no thought of the morrow for the morrow will take care of itself." I felt the Spirit extremely strong when it was read. I needed to be reminded of that. It stresses me out that I don't know what will come of our relationship. When I allow fear to creep in, it scares me deeply that I will get my heart broken. But where is this fear coming from? Not from above and I know that logically, but sometimes it is so strong that I can't seem to bear it(hence the emotions everywhere). I know that I want to be with him and every day that passes makes me feel closer to him and only want to be with him more. When I think of us in the future or even a few months out, I feel good about it and that we'll get there. It has been just under 3 months and he doesn't seem like he is moving on anytime soon.

My freak outs. Seriously, as I was thinking about them today I realized that the only thing that changes from day to day and whether I am at peace or freaking out is me. He doesn't really change. Yes, there are ebbs and flows with our relationship but overall, it is pretty consistent and feels like a constant in my life. It is when I let my fear overcome my faith that I have a hard time. Yeah, I can say this and logically know that it is true, but how do I consistently get over the fear? I think the answer is that I have to remember that no matter what happens in this relationship with this great man, MY life will still be amazing one day, even if I have to endure another heartache. I have to remember that the Lord knows best and has always brought me something far greater than the one before. This time I am hoping that the one I am dating will also be in the Lord's will for me. He is good and he is perfect in so many ways for me. Because of these things, I will keep going and choosing faith and taking that step in the dark. It's worth it. I will just keep hoping and praying for what I want and trusting in the Lord and His will. It will all work out.

Stressed for No Reason

I need to take a chill pill some moments. Past relationships definitely make a difference in your thought process when dating someone new. The new person can be great and treat you wonderfully but you still have doubts. You don't have doubts about how you feel about them, you have doubts about them giving up and being done with you for no reason and with no warning and you're left to hurt. It's that moment when you know that you are attached enough that if it ends, you are going to be in pain. But you keep going with them because they are amazing and you love being with them and it is always better to go for something, even if it scares you. Choose faith over fear. But sometimes the freak out happens for no real reason. Welcome to my life.

We haven't had the official DTR and honestly I would say 90% of the time, it doesn't worry me at all because the pace we are going and his actions make me feel completely at ease and that we are already in a relationship where neither of us date anyone else. But then there is that 10%...and add new birth control into the mix, then add people around me asking me where we are at and if I am officially his girlfriend, and then he doesn't hold my hand at the car show(really this threw me off for a whole night...isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?! Heaven help me.), and I have never met any of his family, all that combined makes for a girl who starts to worry at times. I have to say also that I am a word person. I need to hear the words. I would say actions are more important, but the words are pretty high up there too. And the worst part, I haven't told him any of this because I am supposed to let him bring up the DTR first...hopefully so he doesn't freak out. I agree with this statement but maybe not in every situation. I feel completely comfortable enough with him that I can ask him how he feels about PDA and why he didn't hold my hand in public on Saturday. But it is the fear that if I bring it up, he will freak out. But when I worry about that, it isn't that it is necessarily HIM that I worry about, it is my past experiences. That is the stupidest thing. I shouldn't be terrified of bringing up what I feel(logical and normal stuff) and I really feel fine doing it with him. And I think I would feel better about it if he had brought up the DTR and I knew that he wasn't going to walk away for sure. I would like to have an honest conversation with him. Don't worry, in that honest conversation, the words I love you will not be coming out of my mouth. After all, there is a level of taking it step by step and I love the speed we've been going. Yes, this is a grumbled mess, but I had to put it on paper. There are only a couple of people who know who I am and who I am writing about. So what do I do? Do I continue to wait for him to bring it up? I can do that. I have been doing that. But I would like to have a more honest conversation about us. Nothing really that serious, I honestly just want to hear that he cares for me and that he wants to continue to be with me and see where it goes. Really I don't even need more than that right now. He is a loyal person and makes time for me and that is why I feel that I know this. But I still want to hear it.

On the side note from the stress. He is just amazing! He is such a hard worker. That is always attractive to me. He gave me a blessing this weekend and I am grateful that he is worthy to do that. It was very interesting in the blessing, he said something that was said in a blessing I received a few months (or longer) ago and it is something that seems to refer to him. I don't think he has any idea of which part or that it was said exactly the same in both blessings, but it was interesting. I also really love how he finds new things for us to do. I always have a good time. And I am a sucker for just curling up to a movie at home. Being snuggled up in his arms is one of my favorite places to be. He is kind and gentle and sexy :) and makes me laugh and so many other things. I feel like that is enough for now. He is good and I am grateful he is in my life.

Hot Teeth

Reasons why I think “Hot Teeth” is just grand…

1. When we are cuddling, he will kiss me softly on my forehead, cheek, back of my neck, and other places. We can be watching football or a movie or just sitting there not doing anything but it warms my heart EVERY SINGLE TIME.
2. His testimony. On our first date, he told me a story that I would expect to hear from a friend that I have known for a long time. It was inappropriate and something that normally wouldn’t faze me but on a first date and when I had just dated the EQP that hasn’t said or done anything inappropriate in his life, it was kind of a shock. Then he also told me some other stuff that had me questioning why he had a Temple recommend. I even asked him in the middle of a crazy Friday night at the bowling alley why he is active. (Yep, I wanted him to bear his testimony to me in the middle of the most ghetto bowling alley on a first date…bless my heart.) He gave me a good answer but I was still very unsure where his testimony was. And for me, I need someone who isn’t messing around with it. I want someone with a reason he stays close to the Lord. I want someone who goes to church because he wants to be there for the Lord and not for the girls. What I have learned through the time I have known him is that he is exactly what I am looking for in that sense. He has a very strong testimony that is all his own. That is one of the most attractive things about him.
3. Christmas Present. He loves giving gifts so I assumed that he would be getting me one for Christmas. I told him about a week before that I had found him a great gift that I was excited to give him. I told him he didn’t need to get me anything. When we went out the week of Christmas, we went to Sherlock Holmes. (Cuddled all the way through and loved it.) When he was driving me home, he asked me if I was going to make him be patient and wait to open his present until Christmas. I told him I didn’t have enough patience for that. (He loves trying to teach me patience!) I told him that I wanted to see him open it. He pulled out a beautifully wrapped gift from behind my seat and told me that he was going to make me wait. Then he said he couldn’t because he wanted to see how I liked it. I told him how my sweet assistant was going to have a chat with him if he didn’t get me anything. He laughed and told me that he had one of my presents before I even told him that I got him anything. He got me something I loved and I got something he loved. I loved the kiss after he opened his. It was sweet.
4. Park City kissing on a ledge. We went to a Christmas party of one of my friends. We all sat around the table and laughed. He joined in too without being awkward at all. And if he would’ve been awkward, I would have just laughed because we both love awkward moments. At the end of the party we were all going to light lanterns off (Tangled). We all set off outside and he and I were both wearing leather flats. I went about 10 feet and there was this ledge that I jumped on. Everyone else kept going and we just stood on the ledge being wrapped up all warm in each other and kissing and laughing and looking at the stars. It was one of those great moments and the best part, it wasn’t planned.
5. Song of the Day. He LOVES music and for the last month or so, most every day he sends me a “song of the day” and I love it.
6. Texts, morning and night and everything in between. He texts me in the morning to say good morning, he texts me before he goes to bed, and he texts me throughout the day. This is what keeps me sane and not needing a DTR. I love it more than I can explain.
7. Quality time. When he is with me, he is actually with me and focusing on me. I see him about 2-4 times a week. I could definitely see him more but he and I are both very busy. And I think we are still in the whole taking it slow and steady phase. I appreciate that. And while we don’t make out every time I see him, we do most of the time. I LOVE this. His highest love language is physical and so is mine. I love being close to him. And I love how he grabs my butt.  We also do a lot of different things when we are together…we go shopping at Nordstrom, go bowling, he took me to Color Me Mine, football games, out for froyo, festival of trees, taught me how to snowboard...we usually finish the night with a movie but it works just fine for me. 
8. MoTab Christmas Concert…holding hands in public. We got to the Mormon Tabernacle’s Christmas Concert about an hour early. We are very comfortable together and so we just sat and chatted it up. This was the first time he held my hand in public. According to my best friend, that is a big deal. He did it during the concert and while we were walking back to the car. Yep, I loved it. 
9. He took me to his school buddies Christmas party. There were about 8 married couples and us. I have never felt so comfortable in my life. Being there with him felt right. I laughed so hard and enjoyed every minute. We went to my holiday party later that night and he wore a suit and WOW did he look good. That night he had his arm around me and we were just those irritating people you see who you can tell really like each other. 
10. He is in Pharmacy School and he had a HUGE exam that was stressing everyone out. He literally studied for a whole week from 7am to 1 or 2am every day. He would still text me. But what I loved most is that he would tell me how stressed he was about it. He told me that he needed a miracle to pass it. I was able to show him a different side of my personality that I never show to guys. I literally prayed for him to pass every single day at least in the morning. He did pass with 93%.

I don’t know what will happen between us in the future. All I know is right now, I am beyond twitter pated. He doesn’t know that I feel this much for him but regardless of what happens, one day he will. It all has to come in the Lord’s timing and way. I mean those words. The will of Heavenly Father is and will always be better than mine. I have had so many good and really hard experiences to show that to me. That is the only reason I can say that and mean it. I want to be with “Hot Teeth” but I will choose the Lord first and let everything else fall into place or fall out of my life. It has to be this way. It has been be right in Heavenly Father’s eyes. Thanks for reading!

Patience is Worth It

I feel like today is a learning moment for me. I remember a while back struggling to believe that I would be married and that it would work out. The thought came to me(and keeps coming to me since then) "believe" and at that time, I chose to believe. I felt more peace and hope about it and it made a difference. I can't really describe how exactly it did, it just did. I knew it was because I chose faith over fear. Today, I feel like I have a great reason to fear, but once again it is my choice and I want to and I am determined to choose faith, hope and to believe in love.

Worth Waiting?

"Hot Teeth" is in Pharmacy school and is finishing his 2nd year. In June, he will start rotations. Right now he has 10 days and then he tests on the material. In order for him to stay in the program, he has to get a 90% or higher each test. Wow. They clearly don't mess around.

We are still going and every time I am with him or as the days go by, I realize that he is even better and I care for him more. It still scares me but I am still going forward. Why wouldn't I got forward? I will always choose no regrets. It is how I have to live.

We still have yet to have our "DTR" talk and that is okay. He texts me good morning, texts through the day and says goodnight. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this. It makes me not freak out. But right now he is going into a seriously BUSY schedule. It is demanding. And it is/should be his number one priority. He has a test, and it is bigger than the most, on Monday. That means I won't see him until Tuesday and that is if he passes. He is more business like and focused today. All of these things should make me freak out more, but I feel calm.

Tonight I dropped off some sugar and caffeine to him to get him through studying tonight. While it was good to see him, I wanted to spend all night with him. So the question is; is he worth waiting for? And I don't mean in the sense of me waiting by the phone for him to call. I am talking about being patient with his schedule and being able to realize that he has made time for me whenever he can. Tuesday is the first day between now and then that he is available. Well, the answer is yes. He is worth being patient for. And that says a lot.