Love this Blog

The one thing that I love about this blog is that I can say anything I want and not feel stupid about it. I received a priesthood blessing and in it among other things, it stated that I needed to find a new medium to express myself. I investigated it for about a week and decided that this was it. So today, I am going to again say whatever I want.

Birth control. I'm pretty sure it makes people crazy. Well, at least it makes me feel like my emotions are everywhere. And it doesn't help that they are already in a heightened state right now. I came home from church today and got down on my knees to pray to the only source that brings me true peace. It is helping.

I have a lot of thoughts so I am just going to put them on paper and maybe one day, someone will be where I am right now and it will help.

Every single day that I am with this man, I am truly happier than I ever have been. I am at peace down to my very core. I feel comfortable in ways that I never knew I could with someone. And I want to be with him more each day. At this point, I still see him about once a week. His school schedule demands his time, and time is exactly what school gets. I fully support this. If I was in his shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing. He is great about texting me each day, morning, noon and night. If he didn't do that, I would not be able to do this. He also dated and almost married a woman for 2 years and only saw her once a week. He is loyal and knowing that he can do that gives me hope. But I guess at this point, will there ever come a time where I get to see and be with him every day? I want to. I know that for him to succeed in school right now, he can't see me even close to that often. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.

Today in church I read a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 84:84, "take ye no thought of the morrow for the morrow will take care of itself." I felt the Spirit extremely strong when it was read. I needed to be reminded of that. It stresses me out that I don't know what will come of our relationship. When I allow fear to creep in, it scares me deeply that I will get my heart broken. But where is this fear coming from? Not from above and I know that logically, but sometimes it is so strong that I can't seem to bear it(hence the emotions everywhere). I know that I want to be with him and every day that passes makes me feel closer to him and only want to be with him more. When I think of us in the future or even a few months out, I feel good about it and that we'll get there. It has been just under 3 months and he doesn't seem like he is moving on anytime soon.

My freak outs. Seriously, as I was thinking about them today I realized that the only thing that changes from day to day and whether I am at peace or freaking out is me. He doesn't really change. Yes, there are ebbs and flows with our relationship but overall, it is pretty consistent and feels like a constant in my life. It is when I let my fear overcome my faith that I have a hard time. Yeah, I can say this and logically know that it is true, but how do I consistently get over the fear? I think the answer is that I have to remember that no matter what happens in this relationship with this great man, MY life will still be amazing one day, even if I have to endure another heartache. I have to remember that the Lord knows best and has always brought me something far greater than the one before. This time I am hoping that the one I am dating will also be in the Lord's will for me. He is good and he is perfect in so many ways for me. Because of these things, I will keep going and choosing faith and taking that step in the dark. It's worth it. I will just keep hoping and praying for what I want and trusting in the Lord and His will. It will all work out.