I need to take a chill pill some moments. Past relationships definitely make a difference in your thought process when dating someone new. The new person can be great and treat you wonderfully but you still have doubts. You don't have doubts about how you feel about them, you have doubts about them giving up and being done with you for no reason and with no warning and you're left to hurt. It's that moment when you know that you are attached enough that if it ends, you are going to be in pain. But you keep going with them because they are amazing and you love being with them and it is always better to go for something, even if it scares you. Choose faith over fear. But sometimes the freak out happens for no real reason. Welcome to my life.
We haven't had the official DTR and honestly I would say 90% of the time, it doesn't worry me at all because the pace we are going and his actions make me feel completely at ease and that we are already in a relationship where neither of us date anyone else. But then there is that 10%...and add new birth control into the mix, then add people around me asking me where we are at and if I am officially his girlfriend, and then he doesn't hold my hand at the car show(really this threw me off for a whole night...isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?! Heaven help me.), and I have never met any of his family, all that combined makes for a girl who starts to worry at times. I have to say also that I am a word person. I need to hear the words. I would say actions are more important, but the words are pretty high up there too. And the worst part, I haven't told him any of this because I am supposed to let him bring up the DTR first...hopefully so he doesn't freak out. I agree with this statement but maybe not in every situation. I feel completely comfortable enough with him that I can ask him how he feels about PDA and why he didn't hold my hand in public on Saturday. But it is the fear that if I bring it up, he will freak out. But when I worry about that, it isn't that it is necessarily HIM that I worry about, it is my past experiences. That is the stupidest thing. I shouldn't be terrified of bringing up what I feel(logical and normal stuff) and I really feel fine doing it with him. And I think I would feel better about it if he had brought up the DTR and I knew that he wasn't going to walk away for sure. I would like to have an honest conversation with him. Don't worry, in that honest conversation, the words I love you will not be coming out of my mouth. After all, there is a level of taking it step by step and I love the speed we've been going. Yes, this is a grumbled mess, but I had to put it on paper. There are only a couple of people who know who I am and who I am writing about. So what do I do? Do I continue to wait for him to bring it up? I can do that. I have been doing that. But I would like to have a more honest conversation about us. Nothing really that serious, I honestly just want to hear that he cares for me and that he wants to continue to be with me and see where it goes. Really I don't even need more than that right now. He is a loyal person and makes time for me and that is why I feel that I know this. But I still want to hear it.
On the side note from the stress. He is just amazing! He is such a hard worker. That is always attractive to me. He gave me a blessing this weekend and I am grateful that he is worthy to do that. It was very interesting in the blessing, he said something that was said in a blessing I received a few months (or longer) ago and it is something that seems to refer to him. I don't think he has any idea of which part or that it was said exactly the same in both blessings, but it was interesting. I also really love how he finds new things for us to do. I always have a good time. And I am a sucker for just curling up to a movie at home. Being snuggled up in his arms is one of my favorite places to be. He is kind and gentle and sexy :) and makes me laugh and so many other things. I feel like that is enough for now. He is good and I am grateful he is in my life.
Oh how I agree with everything you are feeling and thinking! I was so sure on Sunday that I'd never see my Unicorn again. I still haven't seen him, but we have had some sort of contact, so that's good. The whole wondering "are we or aren't we?" is enough to just do you right in! But when you are with them, it doesn't matter because you know they are only thinking of you at that moment. I'm also afraid of bringing anything up because I have made enough mistakes to know it is smartest to let the man. And there is a part of me that is afraid if I bring up a black and white question, he'll run for the hills. One of my favorite quotes, however, is up on my kitchen board, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." Touche to myself. I also got thrown for a loop when the boy held my hand before and after the concert walking around, but not DURING the concert...I couldn't figure that out and I was totally fighting back tears because it was after my little freakout. Anyway...if this blog is a place for you to vent, I might as well too, right?
ReplyDeleteI say keep going. Keep doing what you are doing. He would disappear if he didn't want to see you anymore, I know that much for certain. I love you and I support you a million percent!!!
Hugs!