It's too damn hard

Some days it is simply too damn hard to keep going. Today feels like that kind of day. I feel like I am all twisted up inside and still have no idea how to feel and where to go.

On Thanksgiving I spent it with my boss and her family. I respect, like and am grateful for her. I learn a lot from her. Well, her son is not only hot, but he and I really hit it off and had a great connection. I hate saying that but really, it's nice when you just fall right into it and it feels passionate, fun and exciting. We started to snap and text non-stop while he was here. I thought when he left that it would stop. It didn't. And now 7 weeks later we are still texting and snapping. Not at the same speed we were but there is still interest there on both sides. But I believe he is either losing interest or just letting this go because let's face it, there is no logical thing that makes sense with us. Then when you take it from my side...boss' son, not Mormon, shorter than me, 25 and lives in FL. Yeah, that makes perfect sense, right? Well, whether it makes sense or not, 7 weeks later I like him. Sometimes a lot. He has been so sincerely sweet to me and the fact that it has basically been 7 weeks straight of hearing from him and seeing his extremely handsome face, I am attached. Even though I tried not to be. I have gone out with people here....tried to go out with guys in Utah while I was there, tried to go out with non-members here even last week just to get my mind here in San Diego. And now sitting here tonight, it makes my heart really, really sad that I haven't heard from him and knowing that really, I'm sure it's on the outs.

I had a friend in town and we talked a lot about marriage and what is happening in the marriages of those closer to me. It is so discouraging. Why am I so hard set on WAITING....freaking FOREVER...to find the guy who will take me to the Temple when even our good old Mormon guys are sucking ass?! They're gay and cheating but not telling their family about it and it's okay because they're not breaking up a family....are you effing kidding me?! Or you marry them, find out 6 months in that they really just want to be a woman and then continue to transform into one making this life you had planned a complete mess. This doesn't even come close to the guys who cheat on their wives or who fall away from the church. Granted a lot of these things are not unique to Mormons so why hold it against these guys? I wish I wasn't. I just so deeply want to be loved...loved by a man who sees me for me and deeply loves me for the exact person I am. I want a Temple marriage and that's why I am 32 and still single. But let me tell you what pisses me off. I have taken care of everyone my entire life and I am no ones first priority. Let me tell you, this sucks horribly. I have NEVER been able to just feel completely taken care of and safe. The closest thing I have is my sister and she isn't my parent or spouse. She can't be this person. Even though I a more blessed with her in my life than I could imagine. She blesses my life everyday. But I have to tell you, I just want to be loved in a romantic way....and have KIDS.

So now I am here in SD doing my best. I am trying to do my very best at my job. And my job is EXHAUSTING. It is stressful basically every single day. I always have to be on my toes. I always have to be on my "A" game and stay ahead of anything that could possibly come my way, while managing a team, and bringing in a lot of revenue and keeping everyone happy. I work long hours and I am so tired at the end of the day. But I have already gained 7 pounds from living here and FEEL fat and gross and hate that I have gone backwards in my goals when I worked so hard to get where I was and know how to stay there. Why can't I just do it? So after work, I go to the gym and then I come home to make healthier food for myself so I can feel better. But then there is the part where I am supposed to be social. And tonight I learned I am not doing a good enough job of that either. I can't win. I want to go out and have fun but they all live at least 30 minutes away each way and we usually go out to eat...don't have money, don't have energy. And even when I finally make it up, I am so glued to my phone wanting to hear from Blake and living through my phone that I am not really here. So therefore again not jumping into SD when that is what I need to be doing. Even knowing I need to really be here and feeling that today in the Temple, when I got out of the Temple and had nothing from Blake, it still hurt. A lot.

I was told that I need to go around more for these guys because I am intimidating...I am successful, smart beautiful...blah blah blah....well you have to feel like those things and yes I come off confident but I am so struggling and I don't feel successful, I feel stressed. Yes I am blessed to have a great job and Heavenly Father strengthens me to be able to do it, but I just feel exhausted. I don't feel beautiful because I simply am not feeling good enough for anyone lately. I know that has to change. And with these feelings, I just feel like I am falling behind on everything I have worked so hard to do to become healthy inside.

I fasted on Sunday that I would be led with Blake whatever way it should go. It's going to end. I so have that hope that he is going to choose me, find the Gospel and choose it on his own and one day take me to the Temple...that's not the likely future. What's going to happen is that he is going to lose interest because Heavenly Father always takes men out of my life that ultimately are not the best for me, it's going to hurt and eventually I will move on again and be single. Because that's just what I do. Why would there be a light at the end of the damn tunnel for marriage? I want too many things that don't seem to all fit into one package. But at the end of the day even with all of my anger and frustration, I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord and that will continue to be my choice. I hate that there is a chance that means me going to my grave a virgin, no kids and never having the one thing that I want more than anything else. While I am mad and don't feel this right now, it is supposedly the happiest way. I believe that. But I am all twisted inside right now. I don't want to do this part anymore. I want the good, I want the amazing, I want the breathtaking. I will end up not choosing Blake because I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord. I hate that today. I hate that I think Heavenly Father is leading him away from me. But at the end of the day, there is no other way besides the Lord. And right now, I hate that answer and it's just too damn hard.

Why Am I Still Here?

Don't be too shocked but once again, a relationship didn't work. He was so much of what I wanted in regards to how he always seem to choose what was right as it pertained to the Gospel. I really loved that. But he was young. He didn't like me for me. He didn't have the life experience to be able to appreciate things about me. I want someone who understands what it means to go through hard times and come out still choosing the Lord. I also want someone who has lived life who isn't so close minded. But even though my head is clear on the fact that I didn't want to be with him long term, it was still hard to be done.

It is so hard having to start over, with absolutely no prospects. The other part that was hard was that the first month I lived in San Diego I was basically in the honeymoon stage and now it's harder. I feel lost and lonely. But I know I would have felt a bit of these feelings if I was still living in Salt Lake. It is hard having a breakup. I just want to find someone who fits me.

Today when I was teaching Gospel Doctrine I realized that I am still here, here being still single, because I still need to help bring closer to Christ through my talents and by being me. Grateful that I felt that.

I still feel that I am where I am supposed to be. Eventually San Diego will feel more like home.

Changes

Wow, since my last post so much has happened. I now live in San Diego, California and I feel that I am in the exact place I need to be. Isom is now engaged to marry that girl. Good for him. It was fast so I hope he is doing what is best for him and not rushing. But honestly, I don't care that much because it is his life and he has to live it how he sees fit. My life moved on that night he chose her.

I also got a job promotion and I am loving it here at work as well. I have my own apartment and it is darling. I made friends, ones that I really enjoy and go to the beach most Saturdays with friends to play beach volleyball and just have fun in the sun. Life is exactly what it needs to be right now and I can feel that. I don't miss Salt Lake. I miss people in Salt Lake, but I don't have that homesickness that I thought would come. I have been here for 2 months and I have only had one moment of anxiety of feeling alone and the PTSD feelings. That's a HUGE blessing.

There is a guy I have been talking to that still lives in Utah. He is so nice to me and tells me how beautiful I am daily and how amazing I am and how he wants to be with me. This is a very new experience for me. So while there are so many things that make sense for me to stop it all because of distance, it makes more sense to go off of what I am feeling. I will know when to move on if the time comes. Or he will. The one thing I have come to believe with my whole heart is that Heavenly Father knows far better than I do what will be best in my life. That lesson sucks to learn and usually doesn't seem to make sense until much later but it always comes. Even in the times where I am most angry it didn't work out with someone. So with saying that, and fasting for the best thing to happen between this guy and I, I am open to either way. I just want to live in the day and not worry about the rest.

I still very much want to find that man who will love me for me and take me to the Temple and marry the heck out of me. :) But I want it to be the right man, at the right time, in the right place. I hope for this. I still want this more than just about everything. But I want it to be in accordance with the will of Heavenly Father. That's the only way it will be right for me.

The older I get and the more I choose Heavenly Father and His plan for me, the more I see the wisdom in choosing Him and His ways. It brings peace. It doesn't take away the horribly hard and excruciating times in our lives, but it does give us peace and joy if we look for it. I know this. I have lived this. And I know that harder times will come to me in the future. I just pray that I will always choose the Lord over everything. That is the only way to live to have the most joy and happiness. It's the only way to learn what we need to learn to come back to Him.

One of my favorite talks from LDS General Conference comes from Elder Robert D. Hales titled, "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this part always sticks out to me:

"Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”

What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.

To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”

Time Heals and Life isn't that Bad

Time heals and life really isn't that bad are both true statements. It completely sucks that Brad didn't choose to be with me and honestly, that will probably hurt my heart for a bit. And honestly, I may not have handled the last text as well as I would have hoped but I do believe that if things are supposed to work out with us in the future, they will regardless. I need to move on, and I am.

First statement: time heals. It just does. I believe that with the Atonement and time, we will heal from all things. But we can't rush it. We can't make the healing go faster. In order to fully heal, you have to be able to let yourself feel what you're feeling in the moment. Between Sunday night and yesterday at 6pm, I cried more than a couple of times. But then I went to boot camp and talked with a friend there while working out and had a great night full of peace and joy. I watched Grey's Anatomy and it really helped ease any pain I had been feeling before boot camp. So while time heals, finding things that help you feel better in the moment help you heal too. Your entire day doesn't have to be sad and horrible, and if it is, you can find something to be grateful for.

On Sunday while waiting to take the sacrament, I was praying really hard that I would be able to accept Heavenly Father's will in this exact situation with Brad whatever happened. I could see either one happening. But I didn't expect what happened later that night. Because I prayed for His will, it still happened even though it wouldn't have been what I would have chosen. He sees what I do not. He knows what will be best for me and how to make that happen. It sucks but if this is His will, than I completely accept it. I have to. He has proven over and over again that His plan is more amazing than I can imagine. The only part I haven't experienced it yet is in the romantic relationship department. I really hope that part is going to come together soon.

Last statement: life really isn't that bad. Yes, this sucks. But as I said earlier, boot camp and Grey's brought my heart a release and life didn't feel all that horrible. It also helps to see how very blessed I am. I have amazing and loving people in my life who pray for me. I know their prayers helped me and continue to. The thing that helps make this statement true is for me to focus on all of the good that is still in my life. The dating part sucks, letting go of a dream/hope that I have had for one man for 10 years sucks, feeling like I am never going to meet a man who I feel is worthy of me and loves me who I want to be with and same for the guy at the same time AND having the timing work out sucks too, but hope continues to be there. I know that today I will probably have a hard time and my heart will heart for a bit, but right now and all morning, I've been fine. I'm grateful for that.

Seriously?

I have been having a great couple of months full of peace and joy and living life in the moment. I really have felt so blessed. Last night something hard happened.

Brad came a few weeks ago and we hiked and ate donuts and had the best time. I knew that after 10 years I had to say something because he was moving to Phoenix to date and start his life again. So I did. It went really well and he seemed to share my wonderment of what was there. My counselor told me to book a flight after he invited me a few times that night and I did. I booked it 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I saw him just 3 1/2 weeks ago. I am supposed to leave Friday. He called me last night and told me he just became exclusive with a girl down in Phoenix. And he didn't know what I wanted to do. He knew I was going down there for him. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He asked me to keep him posted. I don't think he maliciously tried to make shit of this situation but that's exactly what happened. Really, could it get worse? Yes, it can. Today I tried to transfer my ticket or refund or anything, I found out that I am just out the $268. Awesome, right?

My heart hurts. A lot. But I know it will pass. I really prayed for the best thing to happen and apparently, this was it. That sucks, at least for right now. And the 10 year question was finally answered and all I want to do is move on. Not just say I am moving on but inside stay there and hope for him to come back and get me, but really MOVE ON. I don't have regrets. I put myself out there for someone I cared about and then I gave it a shot and I bought the ticket to go see him even though I didn't have that kind of money to just buy one. I tried. Wow, it sucks.

The other thing that is hard is that he has been the person that I compare everyone else to. I now have to find someone with the exact qualities that Brad has. There were no red flags. Yes, he for sure sucks this week, but most of all I am sad to lose my friend. I basically ended all of it for a couple of reasons. One, when he gets married, we won't be friends anymore because I know what happened in his last marriage. Two, because I don't want to be his friend and give him relationship advice anymore. And three, because he needed to know that if ever decides he wants to be with me, he is going to need to put forth effort because I put a lot forth and got shit on.

Sucks. But I do know it will get better.

Wish

The last couple of weeks has been pretty lonely. From working out the meat of my childhood to getting off all dating sites and not really meeting anyone. Last Saturday night I went to the Temple and I was so angry at every single couple that I saw, and there were a lot. That isn't fair to them at all. It just hurt so much that I can't seem to have that right now. It's heartbreaking. On top of that, I have this hope for 2 men in my life. Brad and Mike. I could fall in love easily with either of these men given the chance. And there are times with both of them where I think there is something there on their side for me as well. They are each the type of man I would like to end up with. But neither of them are coming for me nor asking me out. It's incredibly frustrating and just sad. This last weekend I decided that it is time to give up hope for both of them so that I can keep moving forward instead of comparing everyone to them and maybe even without realizing it, waiting for one of them to come and get me. No more. It felt freeing when I decided to let it go. But of course the week I do that, they are both all over Facebook and Instagram. Yesterday in the Temple, I kind of drifted off and dreamed of Mike. Those feelings of love and desire and every feeling you have for someone you want to date were on the top of the surface. I wanted to be with him so bad in those moments. But I can't force it and I don't want to. I know that I need and want a man to come and get me because they know they want to be with ME. Tonight I saw him and left early when I usually linger and we hug a billion times and talk about everything and anything. He seemed shocked as he caught me before I left. But I just need to let go. I wish he would come and get me but it's not in my power. It's always and forever in Heavenly Father's hands. And that's how it should be.

Yep, I am still learning

I have been blessed with opportunities lately to learn through dating and friendships. I really believe each experience helps us grow and be better prepared for our future. I also believe it furthers you down the path of who Heavenly Father wants us to be by fulfilling our potential as HE sees it, not us.

Joe. Wow was I definitely and instantly drawn to him on our first date. It was one of the very few times where I instantly felt safe, cared for and an equal. I also had a lot of chemistry with him. That was truly amazing. But even with those things, I was able to see the other side of him too. Although it did take a few weeks longer. I saw the his heart has been thrashed over the past 10 years and that he suffers from some serious things in the mental health world because of it. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that where he is currently at is not a place I want to be. It isn't healthy and because he isn't healthy, I would not be able to have a healthy relationship with him. I realized when everything was moving on that he was very selfish and narcissistic. It was because there is a black hole inside of him that he is trying to fill with love from others because he hasn't had it. That is what I did to Paige and that is a VERY heavy load to carry. It's not healthy and it isn't fair to the person carrying it. He needed to seek help to heal. Healing is good and healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs. I told him I had lost all interest in him and feeling and that I didn't want him to contact me that night or ever. I am not so black and white as to think that if I saw him in 2 years and he got help and we were both is a single place I wouldn't go out with him, but with where he is at, I don't want to tempt myself. I can't. I have spent 2 hard years healing myself.

Andrew. This one was hard. Not the hard that it usually is, the opposite. He was everything I am looking for on paper. He works in the Temple every week, he is 29, he has his Masters Degree, he is very kind and most of all, he really liked me. But after 4 dates and talking on the phone, there were some serious red flags. And I was just so upset at myself because I couldn't talk myself into caring for him and making that "it" factor come. It wasn't that I am not attracted to him because I am. It was that my gut was telling me no and I kept trying to give it more time to change the answer. Because frankly, it is not often when guys are so interest in me and focus on me. When I ended it, I was kind and told him all of the very good qualities he has. I have been given the shaft too many times and I never want to be that person. But I ended it and it was the healthy thing to do.

Matt. This friendship has taught me to trust and has blessed me in more ways than I believe I even know. Today my mom walked into my gym and signed up with Matt. This makes me feel sick inside for so many reasons. I can't protect her, I will have to help her, I will have to teach her, I can't be ashamed of not being a good daughter and pulling away among other things. Matt is going to give her a free training session. He is probably the only person I would want to do that. He will be kind to her and he will care for her because she is my mom. I realized that this is new. While I have opened up to guys, especially over the last 2 years, this is an area that I have never trusted any man with. My mom. Matt is helping me with that trust without even realizing it.

I am very grateful for the things I am learning. It's hard some days but in every day there is something good.

Write before I lose the thought...

Do I really want to be with someone I have to assure over and over of their worth and they are so unhealthy that they can only think of themselves in situations where it isn't even about him? Feed his ego? You can say you're sorry but if I am the one down and you up and I have to make you feel good about you, doesn't that feel off? Is that someone I want to be with? Someone who knows how hard it is but wants to keep going to feed their ego and self-esteem because it is lacking? No, I just hope I remember this.

Want

It's been a long time since I have wanted something as much as I want it right now. In fact, I would say that it has been almost 2 years. But as I find myself praying for it, I also remember that last time I prayed for something this much and didn't get it, it was one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I was upset with Heavenly Father. I was heartbroken. I don't want to repeat that. I hope I won't and don't think I will, but I can't predict the future. I just have this feeling that even though I want this so much, it doesn't seem like it is going to happen. That hurts pretty deep. It's a loss. I am not upset, just sad today. Yesterday my heart wasn't heavy and I was so grateful for that. Today is a different story, it hasn't felt this heavy in years. But logically, I know that even though this may be really hard in the upcoming month, I do believe somehow it will be for my ultimate good. I never believed that until I went through everything I did with Ian. I honestly never believed I was going to feel good again. But I did and I have had deep feelings for men since. I am beyond grateful that it never worked out with Ian. So if I don't get what I want this time, it will all be okay soon enough.

Lessons Learned in January

I have been blessed with a good month. I have had hard times, but in those hard times and in the good, I have learned some things.

This last week and weekend, I met with a client who told me about her husband and sealing on Wednesday, I went to institute Thursday, Temple Friday and church and a blessing on Sunday. In each one of those times and places, I felt overwhelmingly that continuing to put Heavenly Father first and HIS will first was the thing that would make me okay and everything okay.

I have this wonderful client named Megan. She was wonderful to work with and on Wednesday I took her to get some lunch because she had had a long morning. I found out that we are similar in some areas. I found out that she is my age and had just gotten married and had a baby within the first year of her marriage. She told me about a really hard relationship that ended painfully right before she went out with her husband. Then she told me how profound her sealing was in the Temple when she was sealed to her husband and I could feel the Spirit so strong in that moment. It was a further confirmation that I want nothing less than a Temple sealing for myself. Little did I know that her painful break-up would weigh heavily on my mind with experiences I had later that night.

Then Thursday night I went to institute. I had had a very interesting day and was going on only 3 hours of sleep. I had stress, a lot of it and confusion. When I was sitting in institute, I felt incredible peace and just felt that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea which way it was going to go, just that I was going to be okay. I really needed that. It made me think how important it is to have Heavenly Father in my life.

Friday, I went to the Temple and felt great peace again. But again in the Temple, I felt that I needed to trust Heavenly Father and put him first. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt my relationship with Him because he is by far the most important relationship I have.

Sunday in church, again, I was stilled in my heart from the stress I had been feeling and felt how important Heavenly Father was and how He always needs to be in my life. If I put Him first, all else will always work itself out and I will be okay. I wanted to make sure that my life was in line.

I received a calling and during my setting apart blessing, I felt everything I had been feeling again, but most of all, peace. I had been feeling that I had been wanting a blessing but I didn't really have any reason to get one. Just before my blessing, I looked back through some of my old blessings(I write them down after) and realized that almost everything up to this point had come true. It talked about how I would learn an enormous amount to be a better mother and wife and for my future and through the past 20 months, I have done just that, learned an enormous amount for all of those things. It has been a hard road, but also very good as well. I have been blessed. I never ever thought that my heart would one day feel light and happy, truly joyfully and giddy happy again, it is has many times. Just this past December, I had no love interest and no dates of anyone I was really interested in but I was just happy in my life. I was fine. I felt good. I didn't have that horrible pain in my heart that I once did. It has actually made a huge difference in what I am trying to go through right now.

I am more in the gray than ever before. I remember Paige saying years ago when she was dating Brett that kept her going with him was that she has gotten over someone before and she could do it again, it was more important to take the step forward still feeling it was right. I have never understood that. Even until this month, the thought of the pain again was paralyzing and terrifying. However right now, I understand what she meant and agree with her. I never thought I would get over the pain from Ian and my childhood combined, but I did and I have been genuinely happy. It is more important to makes choices based on your hopes than on your fears and that is what I am doing. Yes, the thought of having my heart broken terrifies me still, but it isn't stopping me from moving forward. I understand the risks more than ever, yet I am okay with them and understand what it means. I am okay that if my heart does get hurt again or breaks completely, it will ultimately be for my good. But it will be okay that I am sad for a time. Instead of beating myself up for it, I will try, if it happens, to be kind to myself and remember that. But even in moments that I may feel that it won't pass ever, I will know that it will because it has before with the greatest and deepest pain that has ever happened to my heart, soul and mind. I will be okay no matter what happens, in the end. I have peace about this. I still have sad moments and freak out moments but I have felt the Lord's hand in my life bring me peace and guidance IN THE DAY I need it. I don't know what my future holds, I just know what to do in each day. I will know what to do as long as I stay close to Heavenly Father and keep my life in line with Him. That is the plan.

Writing is therapeutic

Writing for me really is therapeutic. But I haven't wanted to share because I don't want to admit feelings to myself. Last week I got a taste of what it feels like to like someone and how it feels when they like me for me. I loved last weekend with him. It was great. I felt wonderful all around. But it is a week later and I am cranky. I'm cranky because chances of anything happening between him and I are extremely slim and I just feel gipped. We live in 2 separate states and the religion difference which is a big deal to me. But I can't seem to get him out of my head this week. Granted, it has only been a week and I know it will pass soon enough. But I am bugged that I am sad about it. I have been good about just letting me feel what I am until today. The good that came out of it and other dating experiences the last month has only continued to refine what I am looking for. That is the blessing. I just really enjoyed feeling how I did last weekend.

New

It's been a while. It's been a good month. I am grateful for that. I sent my good friend an email today and thought I would throw it on here as well.

For the last few months I have been feeling like it is time for a change and possibly a move. I have never felt the need for this before. This weekend just solidified my decision. Circle of Excellence is June 3-6 and in May I am going to start applying for jobs outside of Utah. I don't have a set place but Texas, Washington, DC, New York, TN and some other places are going to be in there. This weekend was the part that really confirmed those thoughts I have been having. I already talked with my main Director about it. She said she already knew it was time for a change for me and she could see it and she already had paperwork of how to advance me to a Director and what training goes into that. So at the start of the year, that is the road I will be working towards. But now that I feel both of these, I am going to start working towards them and you know how I am with a goal. Crazy, huh? I have never wanted to leave until now.

Next, yesterday I went to the mid-singles ward and have never felt that my dating future was so bleak. But in that same feeling, I kept feeling that my part is impossible but somehow I know Heavenly Father can make it happen. But I don't want to throw myself at any available Mormon guy. That is what so many girls do in that ward. They will walk up to a guy while a different girl is talking to him and will ask him out?! Julia also had some guys come over on Saturday night and with the night before so fresh in my mind, I was EXTREMELY frustrated and prayed hard that night. A lot of Utah Mormon guys SUCK. They think they are God's gift to women and we let them think that. Most Utah Mormon men can't even come close to handling all of me. I didn't realize how much I dumb myself down on dates until I didn't on Friday. It is ridiculous and I don't want to do that anymore. I hate feeling like I have to hide great qualities I have. It's not fair. I really just want to be with someone who LOVES me for the independent woman I am. I wish I wasn't so independent but I am and it is how Heavenly Father made me through the experiences I have had. I need a husband but I am not needy. I want someone who doesn't want to be bossed around and someone who doesn't feel inferior to me. That feels so impossible. But really, I do believe Heavenly Father can do this. The thought I had is that either I will have to convert a guy which I have never ever wanted to do until this weekend, or I will have to just keep finding happiness in being alone. I pray so hard that I won't let myself walk away from Heavenly Father and that He will always come first. I know that is where the most happiness lies. And I know that if I get married anywhere but in the Temple it will feel like I have settled. Every time I am in a sealing I am reminded that a sealing for time and all eternity is the only thing I want. But sitting here it feels so hard because most Mormon guys and I don't mesh and in fact, I have yet to meet one that I really do work with. I don't want to try and make someone change for me with a risk of them only doing it for me. I need someone who wants the Gospel for himself and just as much as I choose God first, I need him to. Why am I so attracted to non-members and why do they think I am truly amazing and Mormon guys don't. These are the most honest feelings.

My date.. He has a degree in Aerospace Engineering from Penn State and Nuclear Engineering from Thomas Edison and he is an officer in Naval Aviation. He is going to be a pilot and one day his goal is to be an astronaut. He literally is reaching for the stars. He is 6'4 hallelujah. I met him while they all had their rehearsal dinner at my hotel. We chatted for a bit. He had no clue I am LDS. That was funny. He told the bride good job on setting him up with such a stunning woman. I didn't know it until the next night but he was up until 2am that night changing his flight to Saturday. He was supposed to leave Friday at 7:30pm, so cutting the dinner short. There are red flags so of course I am not writing our story to marriage at this point. He just got out of a 3 year relationship in February. He told me some of the story and the one thing that if what he was saying is true is that he is like me. He gives it his all. But still a red flag. He gave me a lot of sweet compliments ranging from how beautiful I am to how impressed he is with how I live my life and keep the commandments. I am not used to someone complimenting me and it makes me worry they are fake. But he knew he wasn't getting laid. :) Another red flag-ish is that he is in a relationship with a girl in Corpus Christi. He was telling me that there are no women there. The girl has some serious issues and he tried to break it off with her and she tried to commit suicide. Her dad beats her and he said that she has been doing better since she has been with him but by no means does he want to be with her or marry her. This is one side of the story. I of course gave my 2 cents on the matter because that isn't healthy at all and he will get trapped. I told him that he is enabling her and that her happiness depends solely on him. And I was honest on how I knew some of it. We talked a ton about deep stuff and it was good. The problem about a blind date with someone you know nothing about and my trust issues makes me wonder what is real and what isn't. While we were with his buddies, I learned that a lot was real. And I have to say, I laughed SO HARD that night. Another funny part was that he wanted to dance. I guess they do that a lot in Corpus. He taught me how to 2-step. And I threw out my hip. I didn't tell him until the next day. But we accidentally were dancing when all of the married couples were dancing and EVERYONE there knew we were on a blind date and thought it was hilarious. Then when he caught the garter, I went up for the bouquet toss. I stood at the very back and didn't even raise my arms. The girl in front of me should have reached up to grab it...she didn't. My hands stayed down at my hips and it literally fell into them. I can't not catch something. People were dying! Then as they told me he had to then put the garter on me, I made sure and got that on film. So we laughed and then we went out with his friends after to a bar. He had a drink and he told me how he believes in God and why. He said he hasn't been drunk in years because that would jeopardize his career. Then he and his roommate went back to the Hilton and I left. He thought I was going to stay at the Hilton(not in his room) that night. I told him no. But after texting for a bit, I came back in the morning to have breakfast with him. We chatted more there and then I drove him to the airport. He gave me a really long hug.... I had to break away. He was being funny and cheesy. He said to keep in touch and I said I would.

I want to be able to be that much of myself with anyone. I have never felt like I want to convert someone until this weekend. His best friends(2) are both Mormon so I guess the reason is that somehow it is possible. But even if he did get baptized, I don't know if he is best for me. And he lives there and I live here and he is in a relationship which he said he was ending, but who knows. I will send him a thank you text for this weekend probably today sometime but unless it is in Heavenly Father's will, it isn't going to happen, even with all of the hilarious signs. People were walking around that night telling us we were for sure getting married. We just laughed and played along. I feel a little bummed today because I got to feel those feelings which I haven't felt in so long and now they have to be gone.

Yep Again

Every few months I get to a point where everything seems to give out and I just cry and feel very discouraged about my single status. It is on days like this that it feels like they will never end and hope feels lost, even though I know that there is no such thing as lost hope with the Savior. There are a lot of days where I am good and I am very grateful for those. Last night and this morning have been rough. I asked Mike to my event tomorrow on Wednesday and it was light and easy breezy. He wrote me back last night right before I went into the Temple and said that he just started dating someone and her family was going to be in town. Earlier in the day I saw that Jared is going out and doing a ton with all of my friends in the ward and I believe he is dating snake girl. I have taken a step back because I don't want to hurt if I see him. He still hasn't done anything since our talk. I cried through most of the Temple session. Not because I was distraught about Mike dating someone or Jared, it was that my timing always seems to be off and that unhealthy feeling in the case of Jared that I am never the girl the guy chooses. Why am I not the girl the guy chooses? Thankfully for counseling and Heavenly Father's unending help, I feel like I am worth it and that they should and I don't understand why they wouldn't. It doesn't matter that I don't think Jared is my ideal and I am basically done with him, it's that again, I am here facing tomorrow with nothing on the horizon to make me feel like I am a step closer to getting married. And getting married is all I want. It is the gateway to so much that I can't do on my own. I can't control any part of this and that is hard. I can't just make it happen with hard work or looking beautiful. It is all in the Lord's timing and His way and His choice for a man for me(even though I will also have to choose that man). The nice thing is that I have grown and with the Mike thing, it wasn't that I felt that he didn't like me or it was me or anything like that, it was that timing is wrong, again. I prayed really hard through the Temple that I would feel that Heavenly Father's will was better than mine and that I would love it so much more. I prayed over and over for this and that I would be grateful for His timing and that there will come a time where I will be so grateful it didn't work out with anyone else because it was supposed to work with the right man. I prayed A LOT for timing and the love of the Lord's timing and not my own. Last night in the shower I couldn't stop from crying and feeling like if it is His will that I be single through mortality, than why do I have this desire that is stronger than any other desire in me besides following Heavenly Father, to get married. Really, besides choosing the Lord, there is nothing at all that is more important to me or a desire that I want more. Why would I have this desire if it is not going to work out? I don't understand. I want to understand His will. I want to feel that it is perfect because I know it is with my head. I wasn't mad at Heavenly Father, I was just distraught and disappointed. I loved what I felt with Mike. Those feelings were exactly how I want to feel when I am with the right person. Those were clear as day last week. But for right now, it isn't Mike. And the more time that passes and things I see or read and feel, Jared is not a great fit for me. My pride wants him to want me and my unhealthy ways, but when I feel peace, I am almost certain that he is a no or at least, that is what I feel I am being led to. I want my heart to feel lifted and to feel like I want to go out and have fun and not worry about feeling sad when I see Jared. I want to feel like there is hope and there is a man who is right for me even though there isn't anything at all on the horizon.

Blessings from last night: I knew others at the Temple. I somehow choked on my spit and couldn't stop coughing and crying(a truly beautiful sight, let me tell you)and the sweet girl next to me gave me a hard candy. Then I proceeded to open it and it fell, all the way up to the row in front of me. :) The girl grabbed it for me and I popped it in. It stopped the coughing. Also, there was a girl who hadn't been often and needed help and I was able to help her. I loved being able to help. Serving when things are hard is so good. I had some clothing issues in the Celestial Room and finally just put my head down and cried(yes, again) and kept pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. Sweet Erin came and brought me a tissue(it was gross, I for sure needed it) and then gave me a hug. I didn't want to talk about what was wrong because there was no easy way to describe it and sharing so deep things from my heart are reserved for those closest to me because they are the ones I trust and I have learned that I can trust them. When I was leaving the Temple, Craig had waited for me. I smiled and past him and kept going to my car. He sent me a text asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. I told him a vague answer, not because I don't trust him, just because I was exhausted and didn't want to explain it all. He was sweet and sent me another nice one. I had messages from 2 of my close friends when I got out of the Temple who I knew I had asked Mike and that he had said no. My roommate sent me a text and asked how I was. It was nice to feel like I was cared about and I know that came from the Lord. I still don't feel great, but I am trying. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life.

How long?

It is Friday after our Sunday talk and I have heard nothing from Jared at all. That is annoying and weighs heavy on my heart. But there are a few things that I think about it. One, with every other man, I think that he is not interested in me and it is done. I don't necessarily believe that is the case with Jared. I can completely see him still being interested in dating me. Yet, I do believe that you make an effort for someone you want to be with and he isn't currently doing that. Two, Jared's ways are not my ways. They are foreign to me. So I guess that raises the question, how long will I keep my heart in this before letting it go? Three, why would I just end things because it isn't going at the pace I want it to? Time is going to pass anyway and I am not yet dating anyone else so why would I just cut it off because it isn't my timing and way? I am continuing to move forward. It's been hard this week with him again not asking me out for the 3rd week in a row. I wish it didn't hurt my heart but it does. I felt that Sunday's talk was genuine and he was sincere with his comments. But I do remember a time when I knew Ian cared and I thought something would happen between us and then it fully fell apart after that. It has been done before, but I went to a running thing he put on and even Paige said she could see how much he cared that day. He did. I don't doubt that. But I thought after that something good was still coming for us and it never did. It actually got about a billion times worse. Even though the talk on Sunday was good and he said he still interested in continuing to get to know me more, it may not happen. It may happen, I believe that too. But what I know is that I don't know the future. I don't know Jared's heart. What I do know is that I would like to be able to keep moving onward and upward. It's okay if nothing happens. I just want to have peace with it. I have this expectation inside of me that needs a man to know how lucky he is to have me. Jared doesn't have any clue right now or he would do more. I just want peace.

I did find some peace last night and maybe some answers too. I went to institute like always and Mike was there. I love talking to him. The whole time I have known him, it has been so easy to say anything to him at all and be completely myself 100% from flirting to sassing to being caring about his work situation to laughing with him. I know from his actions that he is a good man and when I talk to him, I can see it. He is always at Stake Temple night, Saturday night Stake Conference, pop-up special meetings with 70s, Stake FHE and he is kind to everyone I see him with. Last night while I was talking with him about his work situation, I was caring and supportive and there was this great peace. I didn't feel awkward at all saying anything I did to him. It was like I was talking to someone I loved and cared for and had known a long time. I wish I could explain my feelings better. What I realized is that I would much rather be going out with Mike than Jared. Mike hasn't pursued me yet and because of that I hold myself back. I feel like there may be something there for him for me. But what I realized is that I love who I am when I am with Mike and I am the best version of me, the version that I am around those that are closest to me. I know that it takes time to get there with some people but it was instant with him. He came over and sat by me during the class. I am still planning on asking him to my event next weekend. I hope he says yes. If nothing else, I will get to have a great time with him. And if nothing happens between us, I get to know how I want to be with someone I am in a relationship with. That was helpful.

Onward and upward. I hope my heart will take a break and let go of any hurt. Everything is okay and will be exactly how it should be. Time will be the healer and teller of all. Let me hurry up and wait for it. :)

The Talk

Last week on Thursday night I sent Jared an email telling him that I don't kiss guys for fun. That it means something to me. I like to kiss guys when I am in an exclusive relationship. I told him that I understood that didn't happen with us and that was okay. I told him it hurt me that he hadn't made any effort to contact me since. The email continued on. It was a good email and it was filled with patience, kindness and understanding. When I sent it on Thursday night, I was pretty peeved at him but I had felt amazing about exactly what I wrote the day before and felt that I should send it as it was. He replied within the hour and said he agreed with everything I said and had been meaning to talk with me and had a crazy weekend so worse case we would talk Sunday. It was Friday morning. Let me just tell you that would not have even been close to possible before. I sent him that I had lunch open on Friday because to me, it sounded like he was done and giving me the thanks but no thanks. It doesn't help that my mind also goes there first. And it is so hard having that kind of conversation looming in the future. Horrible. After talking with a couple of friends I let go and let it be and just tried to focus on my weekend and doing what I wanted and trying not to stress about it. While I wasn't perfect at it, I did well at times. I was most definitely prayed for and I could feel those prayers.

Come Sunday, it was fast Sunday and I decided to include this in the fast. I fasted that both I would know what was best and Jared would know what was best and that Heavenly Father's will would happen among some other things. But overall, it was most important to me that Heavenly Father's will would happen. But I was struggling with that because it seems that for me, in each romantic relationship, it ends and that ends up being His will. I see clear reasons for all of them ending now but I didn't at the time and it always hurt. This is the area that is the most difficult for me to give my will to the Lord. But logically I wanted to do it, I was just trying to get my heart and emotions on board as well. It came down to trusting that he wanted a happy life for me and whatever happened, good or bad, would make that happen. So hard for me. I wanted to bear my testimony in sacrament before anything happened about the will of God so that I was doing all I could to put His will first.

Jared called me after church and asked if we could talk when he got back from dinner with his old roommate and family around 8. He came over and it actually started far better than I was expecting and it wasn't awkward at all. We ended up starting the conversation laughing and joking about things. He ended up asking me my age and I told him. He didn't freak. He seemed fine. We joked about that and how being this old and not married was funny and interesting. I told him how my mission president had reminded me the last time I saw him that some blessings come after the veil to which I told him that was not helpful at all. We laughed about that and a lot of other stories from both of us. I apologized for not really being able to open up and be me. I told him how my ex had ended up cheating on me and that I had some abandonment issues and certain things can trigger those emotions and that is why I keep myself protected. I told him that I really wanted to be able to open up and just be me and that I had felt that a few weeks before. He said I had no reason to apologize. It was good. It wasn't a heavy, here are my problems to weigh you down. It was more just a logical thing that happened. It was good. Then the conversation moved into what he had come to talk to me about. Honestly, I was still expecting the thanks but no thanks before he walked in and I prayed for peace whatever came to know that it was best. And wow, did I pray hard for that all day, all weekend, and in fact, I am still praying for that. I asked him what was in his head and heart. He said that he agreed with everything I had put in my email. He said he doesn't just kiss girls for fun and likes to wait also until he is in a relationship because it isn't fair to anyone. He went on to say that he is interested in continuing to get to know me. He then said that he is dating others too and he feels the same way about them. He also said(can't remember before or after the previous statement)that he is dating to find out what he wants. He said he knows the top things of what he is looking for but he is still trying to figure out the rest. I told him that makes perfect sense. I would be doing the same, especially with his age. I also told him that I was also dating others. I also had made a comment that I knew he was dating others because I hear about it when they go over to his house at 10pm at night. He was stunned and didn't think anyone knew who else he was dating and he didn't know what I was talking about. I told him I wasn't going to talk about it(joking, fun way). We continued to just chat. I said that I was grateful that he came and talked with me and he said that it is better than not doing anything which is something he has done before. The night we made out, I made it clear that my last relationship didn't work because of the lack of communication. So I think that is also a reason he did talk with me. I also told him that I try not to be feisty because it doesn't seem to get you anywhere. I ended up telling him what it said in my blessing about "when in the selection of a mate remember the principles of patience, kindness and understanding..." and I explained that in all of my relationships I try to always to that because that is what I feel like I should do. It wasn't weird. It was good. At one point in our talk too I mentioned that he doesn't seem to text in between at all. I told him how if that was how he was, than maybe we could call it quits because I have learned about what is important to me in the past. He ended up making a comment how he just doesn't text really and in his family he usually just picks up the phone and calls. I told him I enjoyed when he called. We were on the subject of Ian because he mentioned how he couldn't talk to me with my Utah shirt on and I explained a little bit about it. (I was more of an open book but not giving away the farm)and joked with me that literally Ian clearly had a red flag. I told him yes, but he also was a pharmacist with his MBA and that shut him up, then I brought him into it and said that ambition and drive is something that is very attractive to me and that was one of the reasons I was attracted to Ian and also to Jared because he was also very driven. Throughout the night I also gave him a couple other compliments about how confident he held himself and how the white boy could dance. He was confident and said thank you and appreciative. I don't remember all that was said but it felt good. It felt fun. It felt way more open. As he was leaving I couldn't help myself and I asked him why it was awkward when I saw him at church...I guess I said it more of, it's really warm here right now and is when it is just us but it is awkward at church. He said he had no idea and I said sorry but I wanted to be open and honest. It was fine. It didn't seem bad. We hugged and he left. I sent him a text after that said, "thank you for coming over and talking with me. Sleep well.(he was exhausted from the weekend)" He wrote back and said, "hey you too. I'm glad we talked."

I felt peace about it. I still feel peace about it. But I am writing this because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to analyze it. I don't want to think about the other girls he is dating and if he will choose them or if he is going to ask me out this weekend or not. I plainly and simply don't want to even think about it. Julia gave some great advice on Sunday night and said in a text, "focus on everything else but him...be present, live in the moment and everything will work out how it is supposed to." That is exactly what I want to do and have been trying to do. I have been praying that my thoughts will NOT be filled with Jared. I want to find other guys to go out with. I think I am going to ask yummy Mike to an event I have next weekend.

I saw Paige last night and after telling her about it, she said it was good and even though I subconsciously keep trying to find an out, that the conversation alone warranted me giving it more time instead of cutting it off. It was a mature conversation and I loved being able to have it with him. I agree with her. A good conversation always makes me like them more, especially when it is overcoming something hard and getting through it. That could make me weird, but I like to think it is just one of the things that makes me unique. I feel like I am worth it. I feel like I am beautiful. I am grateful for those feelings. They leave me at times but one of the greatest blessings is remembering those people closest to me that not only have been there through all of the hard times, they came back when it was ugly and never left me, not even for a moment. That is one of the hardest things for me is feeling that men never come back for me. Well, 2 have. They see me and love me for me. But what got me through this weekend was remembering those few who have never left even after I have given them many reasons to. They love me for me. They know my really bad and love my really good and they don't leave because they see my worth. My worth is great. I have to say that over and over. But it is true. I guess we'll know who the right man is because he will come back for me, not to just be my friend, but to be with me for always. I still need prayers because this is still hard and very new territory. But I am going to do my best.

Peace

The one thing I have wanted more than anything in this whole Jared thing is peace. Peace to stay, peace to leave, peace to let go, peace to be his friend no matter what happens, peace to be patient, peace for my soul. I found some last night that I didn't expect but makes sense.

Last night Julia made a comment about finding a new guy because he isn't treating me right. It was almost as if a weight was taken off my shoulders and it was okay that I felt like he isn't currently treating me the way I want, need and definitely deserve to be treated. There was peace that I could be done because there is a viable reason. It was like because someone else said it was okay to do what was best and not play the game anymore. I still don't necessarily want it all to be done for previous reasons stated, but it is okay if it is. I know if it does end, it will still hurt my heart when I see him. But I haven't gotten this far in my healing process to settle for less than I want and deserve. I don't think Jared is a bad guy, I just think timing and some of his own stuff is getting in the way. I want it all. I want someone who knows what they have by having me and cherishes me for exactly who I am. I want to feel safe. I want to feel more loved than I ever have in my life. I hope that these things happen for me more than just about anything else in my life. This is exactly where faith and trust come in with Heavenly Father. I am choosing that. Faith and trust and His timing and peace. I don't know what that means right now but I feel better today because of it.

Nothing still

You know, I have had a lot of emotions go through me about this whole Jared thing. Right now, I just really want to not feel that sadness in my heart from the lack of anything from him and just have a good, lighthearted day. I was telling Matt last night that dating sucks because we have to feel these feelings. There are good, but there are also bad. I am also trying to do so much in this whole thing to learn and grow and become healthier. It is really an ideal situation but one that sure sucks for me.

I have a habit of thinking the worst and expecting it to be done right away and that is something that can happen because I am thinking that way. So bad. And you would be surprised how fast it creeps up inside of me. Right after Jared and I made out, I was already thinking it was done even when there weren't any bad signs at that point. There are now. But the one thing with this is that I try to remind myself that I need to let go instead of trying to send a text or do something so I know one way or the other whether it is done or not. I go at relationships like a goal because that is how I know how to succeed in life. You can't do that with a relationship. It is the opposite, you have to let go and just let happen what will. It doesn't mean that you do nothing, it means that you let go of the control and expectation and writing what could happen, which in my case is usually me trying to prepare for the worst. Not healthy. Living in the moment is so key to this and finding the good in each moment of your day. But let me tell you, that has been really hard to do the last week. I do like Jared. I don't know the end on this one at all because I don't know if he is what I need still. What I know and have known I have felt is that I feel like it is too soon to pull the plug because a lot of what I know about him, I really like and I know there is so much more I don't know about him. One thing that will ultimately end it would be communication and the lack thereof. If this is normal for him, I can't do this. I know that. I saw Ian once a week and we did text every single day. Texting helped me get to know him better and open up and trust him. Even with all of that, I realized that I needed more from someone. I want to be able to see someone(not immediately but eventually) every day. It doesn't mean I spend every waking minute with them, it means that some days I may only have time for a kiss and then we go do our separate things. So hearing from someone at this point is very important to me. And when I don't hear from someone, I think they are done and don't care at all. Which honestly isn't always the case. It is sometimes but not always.

Oh my goodness, my brain is so black and white...especially in situations like this and I preach until the sun goes down about how you have to be gray to others! Even when I am giving him until Sunday or later before I send an email, I keep trying to decide what I will do now for then. I just need my brain to shut off and let it go. When my brain thinks about it, it wants a solution so that my heart will stop hurting and feeling abandoned again(whether or not that is the case). I just want to be happy today in today for the things that are happening today. So that is what I have tried to do all morning. I went to my pinterest page of "LOVE!" and laughed at what was on there. Then all of the nice things I have been thinking about saying to people or doing, I do when I think of them. I am a total Facebook whore today. But I feel good. I went to FHE last night because we were serving and even though I was apprehensive about seeing Jared(who wasn't there) I went because I needed to serve. So that is how I am trying to deal with this part.

I loved seeing my sister last night and being able to serve her. It helped my heart. Her text this morning was exactly what I needed to remind me that I am loved, regardless of what does or does not happen with any man. I loved talking with Matty last night. I love that I feel so comfortable around him and safe with him. I am so grateful for his perspective that finally helped calm me down yesterday. I love knowing that he genuinely cares about me and likes me for me, exactly the way I am. I love feeling that from men. I feel that same thing with Craig. I am so grateful to these 2 men for this. I don't want to marry either one of them but I really love them. They have helped me grow more than I could have imagined.

What I really want is to be able to be Jared's friend no matter what happens. Right now I don't let my guard down because in some ways I am playing the game because it seems that you have to play it. I want to just let down my guard and have fun and be me and not worry. Craig and Matt like me because I am me and I don't have those walls. That is what I felt strongly about last week was trusting Jared and letting him in. It takes time. But whatever happens between us, I just want to be able to be his friend after in a healthy way.

This is a hard lesson to learn. The reason I stick around longer than I believe most would is because there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that says, "when in the selection of a mate I bless you to remember the blessings of patience, kindness and understanding..." I am learning all of those in this situation. It doesn't mean he is the one, it just means like everyone before, I am learning these things with him. It's hard.

I hope to keep feeling good today. I have a new scripture that I am memorizing to help every time the negative thoughts come into my mind. It is Isaiah 42:16 "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." I hope this all helps. I'm grateful I am learning but it is sucky. :)

Uhh...

I really have no idea what to title this because it will probably be all over the place. I wouldn't call it a rant, just a vent.

My heart hurts a little bit. Jared hasn't made the effort in contacting me in over a week since our make out. Seriously? I do not make out with just anyone. It means something to me. I have been here before where the guy has freaked out and then just dropped off the face of the planet. Well, it doesn't work so well when they are in your ward. I saw him yesterday and he seemed nervous a little but not the awkward I don't want to know you nervous which usually accompanies this, it was the almost cute nervous he was when he came to my event. I keep feeling like there is more about him that I need to know before I walk but the more time that passes without anything, I am feeling closer to walking from this. I will give this to the end of the week and then I will probably send him an email being honest with him about all of it. I will be nice and I will be tactful but I will also let him know that it isn't okay. I was so hoping that when I saw him yesterday I wouldn't have that attachment emotion to him but I did. He wore his green sweater and he always looks good in that. I looked beautiful too so hopefully he was eating his heart out.

This is a part of the gray that I haven't done nor mastered. It's really hard. I have to let him do what he is going to do and not be able to be cut and dry. Then on the other hand too if it does come to a close, I have to figure out how to be his friend and not put of the famous sign on my head. I wanted so much to open up and trust him how I have trusted Craig but right now, Jared is not a safe place. I don't think he has my feelings in mind. I felt like I needed to open up and give him a chance and I just feel like I haven't had that opportunity. I feel like he could be but he isn't right now. When I am with him, I feel completely safe and good, when I am not, I don't, especially when he isn't talking to me. Even last Thursday I felt like it wasn't over even if we didn't go out last weekend. I am trying to be open to anything and maybe this time I will be pleasantly surprised and he will come and get me like I always want a man to do. Or it may turn out how the rest of them have. Whichever it is, I just need it to be the way the Lord wants it and I really just want peace to accompany it. The peace is more valuable than anything and will get me through anything. I just want to feel it is best. I don't feel like it is the right timing yet to bail. I want to believe in Jared and that there is still good that can come from this. I hate it when my heart hurts. But such is life. Let the Lord's will happen.

He is my father, my friend and the person I want to tell all to

One of the biggest blessings of my year has been the improvement of my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I feel like He is there and cares about what I am saying when I pray to Him. I never feel judged for what I am feeling or what I am doing because I feel that He knows my heart and sees me for exactly who I am. It has been such a blessing to be able to tell Him how I am and how I am feeling about hard situations and just about what is happening day to day. I made out with Jared last night and I have been freaking out about it since for a few reasons, but I feel so much peace just knowing that He knows what I am feeling and that it is okay. I am very grateful for this.

too much vs. too little

Day 4 and I haven't heard anything from Jared. I found out on Tuesday night when I went to flag football that he is in Idaho until Sunday. Last night I kept going back and forth as to whether I should send over a fun text just to basically check-in. I went through a lot of emotions and in the end decided against it. I felt that if I would have sent it, it would have been out of desperation instead of a light easy text to say hello. I thought about snake girl and how they may be texting and he could forget about me and I had to stay in his mind. So I felt that desperation of doing too little and worrying that I would lose the opportunity to see where he and I could go because he would end up interested more in snake girl. But then on the flip side, I felt so strongly that I want a man that knows he wants me. I want a man who will come and get me. Jared has done this for the most part so far. I wanted to let another night go by. I think I will send him my original text today, not because I feel desperate, but because I do want to keep it going and I feel like I want to do something. Where is that line though of doing too much vs. doing too little? I honestly don't know. But what I feel in my gut is that yesterday wasn't the day to send something, today can be if I still feel good about it.

Yesterday also had its joys. I sent Brad a package of Dunford donuts for his birthday...and the cookies that were saved for Jared(I don't feel bad at all about this because he was with snake girl all Sunday night). :) He didn't get them on Tuesday because he had patients all day and couldn't get back to his apartment complex before they closed to pick it up. But he sent me a text and then called yesterday. He said that my gift made his day and that I hit a grand slam with it. :) That was so nice to hear and I tried to focus on that yesterday. I can't help but think that Brad is a great fit for me. Matt and I were talking on Monday and he was talking about a good fit vs. a great fit and how I wanted a great fit. Brad popped in my mind when he said that. But the timing is never on and we have never been in the same place and honestly, he may not even be interested in me, but there is still that question mark in my brain that remains regarding him. I am currently still more interested in Jared but I think it is more proximity for the time being. I can see nothing ever happening with Brad and us being friends and that will be just fine. The way he makes me feel is something that I want to feel with whoever I marry. I feel like I can truly do anything that I want to or need to without feeling worried about my spouse feeling like I am crushing them at the same time. I feel like he would support me and still feel like a man even if I became President. I don't want to be President, but you get what I mean. The other thing is that he and I are very much on the same page of having friends of the opposite sex after your married. He also will give his whole heart and soul to the Lord and to his marriage. These things make me feel safe and feel like I can always be true to me and who the Lord will need me to be and be able to 100% be able to trust my spouse. I am so grateful for knowing there is a man out there with those qualities.

Today is institute and that means Mike. He is still delish and at least he is fun for the night. There is a guy off of Tinder that I met who just moved into my ward and he said he may come tonight too. Either way, I am focusing on living in today. It's not easy but there is far more peace when I am able to do it. Live in the moment.