More Peace

Yesterday I actually started to feel that I was on the up and up and it felt SO GOOD. But last night was difficult and painful. I really can't wait until the day that I will not feel anything for Ian. I also can't wait until the day that I see the vision for why it all happened. I think I have some of those answers and once the pain stops hurting so much, I may actually appreciate them more. I can't wait to see the better man who I know is up ahead. While I say all of these things that I believe will come with time, I need to be cheerful and happy in today and know that I am doing my best at that.

I realized that while I feel that my needs don't seem to matter to anyone and honestly haven't ever come first for anyone in my life(I would argue that my needs come first for my sister, but she has a husband and I will forever know and support that he will always come first for her. I want him to.), for my entire life, there is one who has my needs at the forefront of His mind.

It is a honest miracle that I am who I am today. I have some serious issues from my childhood that I am working through but while there has never been the constant person on earth who always had me first, there is one not on earth. I have been abandoned by almost every single person that matters to me in my life in one form or another. While those are people on earth, I honestly feel that I have been taken care of all of my life by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I feel that when times were the absolute hardest when I was young, He put in me a determination to just keep going and to push on and then He strengthened me so that I could. I have always felt that Heavenly Father was listening to my prayers since I was a little girl. We weren't regular church goers unless I went with my Grandpa and Grandma and got donuts after(you know that was the real reason I went.) But I remember asking my mom to take me to church after we moved here to Utah and I went alone. While I was waiting for her to pick me up after, I remember praying. I have always prayed as if he was right there and knew everything. All of these experiences were before I ever knew about the Church I belong to now. I knew He was there. I didn't know how I knew it, but I did.

In this time of such trial when my past 29 years of things I have tried to forget are coming back and I am dealing with them and dealing with my heart being hurt from Ian, it is really trying and I have had a hard time trusting in Heavenly Father and knowing that He loves me. I am still praying for that because I need to know it in my head and heart. These past few months have challenged my faith in Him knowing what was best and if He was really leading me and doing what was best. I didn't stop reading my scriptures or going to the Temple once a week. I just kept going on with the questions and concerns in my heart and mind but still moving forward. My actions showed the faith I was struggling with in my heart and mind. I think that is the key, keep trusting and moving in His direction and do your VERY BEST and it will come together. Has it come together for me as of now? Nope. But I believe it will.

I wish I could tell you how many times a day I say in my heart to Heavenly Father, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You....." because that is one of the things that so many blessings have told me over the years to do. Trust in Heavenly Father because you are in His hands and He is doing what is best for you. Trust in Him. That is what I am trying to do and saying it a hundred times a day helps me remember that He has this and even though it sucks worse than ever before, He is doing what is best for me.

This is the trial I have to pay in order to have what I want most. Why would this trial be any easier if it is the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world? So of course, this trial is going to push me to a place where I have never been to make sure that I will still choose faith and Him. Is Satan taking his very best shots at me...I can promise you with surety that he is. I have to walk through this. There is no other way. I can't bypass it or go around or fly over it, I have to walk every single excruciating step right through this because this horrible time is going to teach me exactly what I need. Yes, I can say that and believe that, but wow, it still is killing me.

I wish that my heart would stop hurting today and be done with hurting for a long time, but it hasn't...in fact, it kills. But once again, I am grateful for those close to me who lift me up. I am grateful for the people who should and do matter in my life because they love me and care what happens to me. They support me. They help keep me going. They are the angels bearing me up.

Grateful and hurt

Last night after my training session with Matt, I was grateful for him specifically. He is honestly great. Right now, he is my safe place. I am completely comfortable around him and will tell him just about anything and not feel judged. He is pushing me to be better. He isn't a muscle head stereo typical trainer, he is just chill. With everything going on, I am grateful that twice a week for an hour, I can be fine. For reals, everything happening in my life combined, and what happened last weekend has made this the worst few days of my entire life. I don't say that without really knowing that these are the worst. And I don't think it is all Ian. I think some of it comes from my past and just jumps on to the Ian part of it. The part of Ian is deeply painful because I need to let go of a future with him in it for many reasons. And believe me when I tell you this, I want to let go of it and I am slowly. That is a blessing that I have seen in my life, it may take me longer to get over a man, but when I am done, I am 100% done. In a blessing I got recently, it said that the Lord wants the very best for me. While I resolved myself to overlooking things in Ian because the whole was great, I don't think he is the very best for me. Even with knowing that, my heart hurts more than it ever has. I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. I feel that he should have manned up. And it kills me that he is so happy right now because he was lucky enough to have made the choice and be led to another love interest so quickly. I wasn't that lucky and honestly, I think it is less luck and more God's plan. But wow, wouldn't it be nice to have someone else just dull the pain? But once again, I think Matt has his stuff together because when we were talking he said in regards to getting over someone that you shouldn't jump into the next thing. He said you needed to spend time with loved ones whether it be friends or family. While I agree with this, I would be willing to give up possibly my right arm(very important!!) to take away all of the hurt I feel regarding this whole situation right now. I seriously feel like I am living deep in the 10th circle of hell. And honestly, because I feel that I don't think Ian is my very best because he falls short in areas that I need and I need someone worthy of me, why can't I just let this all go? There are many things I wish for, but at the end of the day, each person(I am trying to remind myself every single bloody minute) has to control their own destiny by the choices they make for themselves. While it kills me that Ian chose someone else to go forward with instead of me, it was his choice and I never want to control anyone else's choices. They're theirs to make and learn from and be happy from. Just like mine will shape me and have already shaped me. I feel like I have made some bad decisions and let my issues get in the way of my life and wow do I regret them today. But how do I know that those failures in my eyes weren't God's way of changing the course of my life to something better? I don't. Well in this moment, I don't know much. All I feel that I know right now is that this hurts worse than hell. More importantly, I can see Heavenly Father daily and the grace of Jesus Christ in my life as well. I still hurt almost all day long, but there are moments of tender mercies that give me a few minute breaks through out the day and when everything else sucks and is painful, those few minutes of peace are like a slice of heaven(sadly not in the form of a calorie free chocolate cake). I am trying to write in this more because I think it is important to remember the really bad days and each day as they have come and what was in them and how the Lord showed Himself in them. This isn't going to be very uplifting for a while, I'm afraid, but it will be honest so that one day I can look back and see what I have learned and just as importantly, how I can help someone who is going through it. It always helps to have people who truly understand where you are and are not judging you for being there or what you are feeling. I hope to always be someone like that.

It gets harder

I have made a new goal to write in this once a week. I haven't written in it because my life has been more difficult and painful than ever before in my life and being "Debbie Downer" didn't sound too nice. But in a blessing I received a year ago, I felt that I needed to do this as a form of peace and other reasons so I am going to be better about following that advice. Now, I may sound absolutely clinically depressed and who knows, maybe I really am, but I think it is more that I am more honest with my feelings and what they are making me feel. I received a blessing from my best friend this last week and in the blessing, it stated that I was going to go through more trials up ahead, one that I have never experienced, and that in the next few months I would learn an enormous amount for my future and being a mother. Let's start there. After I heard that in the blessing and my friend went home, I sobbed. I sobbed hard. For the last three and a half months have been the hardest I have ever been through for the reason of breaking it off with the man that I really wanted to be with, and just learning last Friday that he is happily dating the girl I suspected(yes, that tore apart every last piece of me and I can't even describe the anger and pain associated with it), learning about how I react to things now because of my childhood and past which is something that affects every single aspect of my life. I have honestly felt like a failure recently in the relationship department. I pushed/forced him away. And two things on that, I prayed my soul out that I wouldn't mess it up even if my issues came to play because I didn't actually know how to be in a good relationship. But I still did. And no, I definitely didn't break it on my own, he for sure had a big part in it, but in the end I feel the failure there immensely because I wanted it to work. Now the other side to that is that I prayed seriously hard for Heavenly Father's will the whole time and I honestly and sincerely meant it. So what I have been struggling with is if the end came because of my issues or if it really was Heavenly Father's will. I guess honestly it could be both and there was a reason for it because Heaven knows I prayed to be the best I could be. One more thing today and then I am done for now. The fact that he is dating someone else hurts me very deeply. While it shouldn't even come close to affecting who I am just because he chose someone else over me, it makes me feel undesirable as a person and makes me feel that she was better in his eyes than I was. That kills me because I really was great to him and showed him me in all my glory but also me in my real state of everything. So I feel incredibly rejected. And so I believe that part of all of this is why I had to see the horrible picture of them with their hands on each others' legs looking absolutely happier than ever. I have to make sure and feel that regardless of what any man or anyone for that matter does or think, that my great worth doesn't change. That is the lesson I am praying and fasting to learn right now. It needs to happen. It's Satan telling me the other stuff but I just can't seem to pull myself out and remember why I am great or worth fighting for in a relationship because he definitely gave up and moved on. I think about my trainer Matt. He is a great guy in all ways. I really like him as a person and just great. He told me that he chased this girl for a long time and she kind of dogged him over and over. He knew she wasn't the best for him and eventually through time(when he said this part I almost threw a weight at him..so sick of hearing the time answer when it feels like homeboy I dated was over me in a millisecond.) But with Matt, I don't think her choices made him any less of a person. He is still the same great person he is with or without her. How do I feel that way about me? I do I let go of this pain? While everything in my life feels unsure, prayers I believe are heard when you are praying for someone else. I asked some of my closest friends to pray for me to be completely over and let go Ian and to know my worth. While everything else seems so uncertain, I believe in prayer and I believe it will work. And today I am also fast for all of it with the most important part being my worth. I want to let this all go so I can move on to the other hard things I am dealing with. I don''t want to feel that feel of a knife in my heart, mind and soul each time I look at something that reminds me of Ian and his new woman. I want to just let it go and move on. It's happened before and that's how I know it will happen again, I just want it to hurry up.

Ouch

Since my last post, it has been like walking uphill, non-stop. I hate that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I really have tried to change this but if I am hurt, the brightness in my eyes is gone and there isn't much I can do to disguise that. The last two weeks went from hard to impossible and just plain low. So I pose a question, how do you find happiness in all things, even those things that break your heart? I've learned a lot about myself recently. All choices have consequences, even when you are trying to do the best you can and think you are doing someting right. I have been so prayerful in all I do, especially in the last 6 months that I thought I would be perfectly led. I'm sure I will see that I have been. I believe I will be able to see that more fully in a couple of months when I am able to look back on this without being in the middle and blind. But honestly, even when my intentions are good, I still feel that my choice two months ago has brought consequences that are the exact opposite of what I had hoped they would be. But in thinking about that, aren't I allowed mistakes? Aren't I allowed to be me? I should be able to be me. And I communicate. But what I don't do as well is have patience. Now try this one on for size. In every relationship I have been in, there is this looming thought that comes from my blessing. It states, "when in the selection of a mate, remember the principles of patience and kindness and understanding..." So that means that when normal people walk out and give up, I stay and have hope. So far, this hasn't worked out so well for me. But here I am again, in the spot where normal people walk away, and I am giving it until June 15th. Half of the time, this is torture, the other half, it's peaceful and feels good and 100% right. But regardless, I have felt strong that I should give this situation or whatever you want to call this man in my life, until June 15th to make the effort. If he doesn't, I will walk away for good. I'm worth more. I need to be treated in a way that matches my worth. Honestly, I am not asking for too much either. I am asking for that which I will freely give: my whole heart and devotion and all of my love and truly always be there and never give up, and of course, help him in anything that he needs. But in all of these things I need to get these same things back. So when I say walk away for good, I really want to mean it and I think I will. Regardless of my daddy issues, I know that I am worth more and I won't settle for less. I have great people in my life who will make sure of it. There is a scripture in 1st Peter 1:6-7ish and talks about having this great trial before it all works out. From the moment I read that, I felt that for me before I get married, that I would go through the hardest trial of my life because getting married is the thing I want most. If this isn't it, I am not so sure I will be able to take it. This for new reasons I am learning about myself each day, is incredibly hard for me. It isn't every day that you find someone that you actually want to be with. Well, at least people with standards don't usually. If you are looking for anyone, sure, no problem. But I am almost 30 and not looking to mess around anymore. I am looking for the whole package. And as I previously stated, it isn't that I am asking for too much. So let's go back to the question, how do you find happiness in all things, even those things that break your heart? I don't know the answer to that question, but I am searching, right now, as I go through it. One thing that I read recently is to thank Heavenly Father for ALL things. Yeah, that means the heart pain I am in now. So I have been thanking Him for the opportunity to go through this. I don't see it now how this will be of a benefit to me, but I know one day I will. While my head knows that, my heart is a little slow on the uptake. I have also had a lot of revelation during this time. Some days I can't see all of it, but my best friend can and she reminds me of it. It isn't that I can't get over this man, because from my previous ex who I wasn't sure I could get over, I know I can. This man right now is the best fit I have ever had and if he lets himself give us a chance and keep trying, it could turn into something more amazing than either of us could imagine, but he has to choose that and I don't want to make someone do anything. It has to be of his own free will and choice. But just like my choice a couple of months ago had a consequence, so will his whichever way he goes. I am doing my best each day. I go out and do something each day to bring a smile to my face. I look forward to the day when this all makes sense and when my heart stops hurting. Until then, I will keep trying.

Why Do We Worry?

Seriously people, it has been a bad week with worrying! But why am I worrying to the point that it makes my stomach be tied up with knots? Well the logical answer is that I am afraid he is going to break my heart and so I analyze everything(yeah, I know, not a good idea at all) to look for signs of him losing interest. What have I learned? You can take any good thing and twist it into something bad. Instead of thinking of how great this is, I have been focusing on analyzing each text and trying to see if he is going to end it. Why would I do this? It is making me miserable. It's because it is all I've ever known. That is, getting my heart broken. What I don't know is how to date someone and get engaged and get married and then make a marriage work. You talk about taking a leap of faith and taking the first few steps into the dark, well that is what I have been doing. And for the first time in my entire life, I have felt like this could be too hard. Those words have never been uttered before from this girl. When I see something important to me, with the Lords help, I always know I will reach my goal. While this has been by far the most amazing and joyful and exciting and wonderful experience, it has also tested my patience, understanding, trust and just about everything in me to my very core. So I guess the next question is: Is this worth it? Is he worth it to me? The answer will always be yes with him and therefore I will never give up because it is hard. It only takes me a few seconds to remember that when I finally get to see him.

What I can't handle is the anxiety, the worry and the doubt that is coming from Satan. I am allowing that to have a place in me. I wish I could say that I won't let it in ever again, but I have to be realistic. What I will say is that I will pray every single time that it does come for peace and to remember how I feel when I am with him.

Last night I saw him after having this week of worry. Literally within seconds of him walking down my stairs, I felt at home and completely at ease with us. I feel like we are giddy about each other after 4 months and really enjoy talking to each other...and making out of course. :) It just feels good and like I am at home when I am with him. I wish I could see him more but that isn't possible for a couple more months. But it is soon and that is what I keep hanging on for. He is worth it. I just have to remember being with him when I am not. I want us to work out. It will if it is supposed to.

V-Day

First, I met his family and I adore them. They remind me of my family and it puts me perfectly at ease with them. His cousin is adorable and just someone you want to hug!

So on to the dreadful holiday of Valentine's Day. It is the day before at 3pm and I still don't know if I will be seeing him for V-day. He knows I have a present for him. I know that he loves giving gifts. I know that at Christmas time he surprised me with a gift. What I don't know is still if I have plans with him tomorrow. So I have two choices here, be fine with not seeing him and him not doing anything and me still giving him the present and be fine with that, or being pissy and angry that I don't matter enough for him to do something. I'm sure there is some middle ground but honestly, there are only two choices. I want him to do something so it validates to me that he cares. I want to feel special. But I know how crazy busy and stressed he is at this moment with the added school work. I hope that I am confident enough in us and where we are at that I will be fine with him doing nothing if it goes down that way. I will have a hard time with that but I can still choose my reaction. We would be having a conversation if it did go down like that. But I believe chances are amazingly good that he will do something for me. He is good like that. Most of all, I just want to spend time with him. I don't need chocolate or roses, just him holding me close and I am golden. I hope to make the best choices tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!!

Love this Blog

The one thing that I love about this blog is that I can say anything I want and not feel stupid about it. I received a priesthood blessing and in it among other things, it stated that I needed to find a new medium to express myself. I investigated it for about a week and decided that this was it. So today, I am going to again say whatever I want.

Birth control. I'm pretty sure it makes people crazy. Well, at least it makes me feel like my emotions are everywhere. And it doesn't help that they are already in a heightened state right now. I came home from church today and got down on my knees to pray to the only source that brings me true peace. It is helping.

I have a lot of thoughts so I am just going to put them on paper and maybe one day, someone will be where I am right now and it will help.

Every single day that I am with this man, I am truly happier than I ever have been. I am at peace down to my very core. I feel comfortable in ways that I never knew I could with someone. And I want to be with him more each day. At this point, I still see him about once a week. His school schedule demands his time, and time is exactly what school gets. I fully support this. If I was in his shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing. He is great about texting me each day, morning, noon and night. If he didn't do that, I would not be able to do this. He also dated and almost married a woman for 2 years and only saw her once a week. He is loyal and knowing that he can do that gives me hope. But I guess at this point, will there ever come a time where I get to see and be with him every day? I want to. I know that for him to succeed in school right now, he can't see me even close to that often. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.

Today in church I read a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 84:84, "take ye no thought of the morrow for the morrow will take care of itself." I felt the Spirit extremely strong when it was read. I needed to be reminded of that. It stresses me out that I don't know what will come of our relationship. When I allow fear to creep in, it scares me deeply that I will get my heart broken. But where is this fear coming from? Not from above and I know that logically, but sometimes it is so strong that I can't seem to bear it(hence the emotions everywhere). I know that I want to be with him and every day that passes makes me feel closer to him and only want to be with him more. When I think of us in the future or even a few months out, I feel good about it and that we'll get there. It has been just under 3 months and he doesn't seem like he is moving on anytime soon.

My freak outs. Seriously, as I was thinking about them today I realized that the only thing that changes from day to day and whether I am at peace or freaking out is me. He doesn't really change. Yes, there are ebbs and flows with our relationship but overall, it is pretty consistent and feels like a constant in my life. It is when I let my fear overcome my faith that I have a hard time. Yeah, I can say this and logically know that it is true, but how do I consistently get over the fear? I think the answer is that I have to remember that no matter what happens in this relationship with this great man, MY life will still be amazing one day, even if I have to endure another heartache. I have to remember that the Lord knows best and has always brought me something far greater than the one before. This time I am hoping that the one I am dating will also be in the Lord's will for me. He is good and he is perfect in so many ways for me. Because of these things, I will keep going and choosing faith and taking that step in the dark. It's worth it. I will just keep hoping and praying for what I want and trusting in the Lord and His will. It will all work out.