Some days it is simply too damn hard to keep going. Today feels like that kind of day. I feel like I am all twisted up inside and still have no idea how to feel and where to go.
On Thanksgiving I spent it with my boss and her family. I respect, like and am grateful for her. I learn a lot from her. Well, her son is not only hot, but he and I really hit it off and had a great connection. I hate saying that but really, it's nice when you just fall right into it and it feels passionate, fun and exciting. We started to snap and text non-stop while he was here. I thought when he left that it would stop. It didn't. And now 7 weeks later we are still texting and snapping. Not at the same speed we were but there is still interest there on both sides. But I believe he is either losing interest or just letting this go because let's face it, there is no logical thing that makes sense with us. Then when you take it from my side...boss' son, not Mormon, shorter than me, 25 and lives in FL. Yeah, that makes perfect sense, right? Well, whether it makes sense or not, 7 weeks later I like him. Sometimes a lot. He has been so sincerely sweet to me and the fact that it has basically been 7 weeks straight of hearing from him and seeing his extremely handsome face, I am attached. Even though I tried not to be. I have gone out with people here....tried to go out with guys in Utah while I was there, tried to go out with non-members here even last week just to get my mind here in San Diego. And now sitting here tonight, it makes my heart really, really sad that I haven't heard from him and knowing that really, I'm sure it's on the outs.
I had a friend in town and we talked a lot about marriage and what is happening in the marriages of those closer to me. It is so discouraging. Why am I so hard set on WAITING....freaking FOREVER...to find the guy who will take me to the Temple when even our good old Mormon guys are sucking ass?! They're gay and cheating but not telling their family about it and it's okay because they're not breaking up a family....are you effing kidding me?! Or you marry them, find out 6 months in that they really just want to be a woman and then continue to transform into one making this life you had planned a complete mess. This doesn't even come close to the guys who cheat on their wives or who fall away from the church. Granted a lot of these things are not unique to Mormons so why hold it against these guys? I wish I wasn't. I just so deeply want to be loved...loved by a man who sees me for me and deeply loves me for the exact person I am. I want a Temple marriage and that's why I am 32 and still single. But let me tell you what pisses me off. I have taken care of everyone my entire life and I am no ones first priority. Let me tell you, this sucks horribly. I have NEVER been able to just feel completely taken care of and safe. The closest thing I have is my sister and she isn't my parent or spouse. She can't be this person. Even though I a more blessed with her in my life than I could imagine. She blesses my life everyday. But I have to tell you, I just want to be loved in a romantic way....and have KIDS.
So now I am here in SD doing my best. I am trying to do my very best at my job. And my job is EXHAUSTING. It is stressful basically every single day. I always have to be on my toes. I always have to be on my "A" game and stay ahead of anything that could possibly come my way, while managing a team, and bringing in a lot of revenue and keeping everyone happy. I work long hours and I am so tired at the end of the day. But I have already gained 7 pounds from living here and FEEL fat and gross and hate that I have gone backwards in my goals when I worked so hard to get where I was and know how to stay there. Why can't I just do it? So after work, I go to the gym and then I come home to make healthier food for myself so I can feel better. But then there is the part where I am supposed to be social. And tonight I learned I am not doing a good enough job of that either. I can't win. I want to go out and have fun but they all live at least 30 minutes away each way and we usually go out to eat...don't have money, don't have energy. And even when I finally make it up, I am so glued to my phone wanting to hear from Blake and living through my phone that I am not really here. So therefore again not jumping into SD when that is what I need to be doing. Even knowing I need to really be here and feeling that today in the Temple, when I got out of the Temple and had nothing from Blake, it still hurt. A lot.
I was told that I need to go around more for these guys because I am intimidating...I am successful, smart beautiful...blah blah blah....well you have to feel like those things and yes I come off confident but I am so struggling and I don't feel successful, I feel stressed. Yes I am blessed to have a great job and Heavenly Father strengthens me to be able to do it, but I just feel exhausted. I don't feel beautiful because I simply am not feeling good enough for anyone lately. I know that has to change. And with these feelings, I just feel like I am falling behind on everything I have worked so hard to do to become healthy inside.
I fasted on Sunday that I would be led with Blake whatever way it should go. It's going to end. I so have that hope that he is going to choose me, find the Gospel and choose it on his own and one day take me to the Temple...that's not the likely future. What's going to happen is that he is going to lose interest because Heavenly Father always takes men out of my life that ultimately are not the best for me, it's going to hurt and eventually I will move on again and be single. Because that's just what I do. Why would there be a light at the end of the damn tunnel for marriage? I want too many things that don't seem to all fit into one package. But at the end of the day even with all of my anger and frustration, I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord and that will continue to be my choice. I hate that there is a chance that means me going to my grave a virgin, no kids and never having the one thing that I want more than anything else. While I am mad and don't feel this right now, it is supposedly the happiest way. I believe that. But I am all twisted inside right now. I don't want to do this part anymore. I want the good, I want the amazing, I want the breathtaking. I will end up not choosing Blake because I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord. I hate that today. I hate that I think Heavenly Father is leading him away from me. But at the end of the day, there is no other way besides the Lord. And right now, I hate that answer and it's just too damn hard.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Why Am I Still Here?
Don't be too shocked but once again, a relationship didn't work. He was so much of what I wanted in regards to how he always seem to choose what was right as it pertained to the Gospel. I really loved that. But he was young. He didn't like me for me. He didn't have the life experience to be able to appreciate things about me. I want someone who understands what it means to go through hard times and come out still choosing the Lord. I also want someone who has lived life who isn't so close minded. But even though my head is clear on the fact that I didn't want to be with him long term, it was still hard to be done.
It is so hard having to start over, with absolutely no prospects. The other part that was hard was that the first month I lived in San Diego I was basically in the honeymoon stage and now it's harder. I feel lost and lonely. But I know I would have felt a bit of these feelings if I was still living in Salt Lake. It is hard having a breakup. I just want to find someone who fits me.
Today when I was teaching Gospel Doctrine I realized that I am still here, here being still single, because I still need to help bring closer to Christ through my talents and by being me. Grateful that I felt that.
I still feel that I am where I am supposed to be. Eventually San Diego will feel more like home.
It is so hard having to start over, with absolutely no prospects. The other part that was hard was that the first month I lived in San Diego I was basically in the honeymoon stage and now it's harder. I feel lost and lonely. But I know I would have felt a bit of these feelings if I was still living in Salt Lake. It is hard having a breakup. I just want to find someone who fits me.
Today when I was teaching Gospel Doctrine I realized that I am still here, here being still single, because I still need to help bring closer to Christ through my talents and by being me. Grateful that I felt that.
I still feel that I am where I am supposed to be. Eventually San Diego will feel more like home.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Changes
Wow, since my last post so much has happened. I now live in San Diego, California and I feel that I am in the exact place I need to be. Isom is now engaged to marry that girl. Good for him. It was fast so I hope he is doing what is best for him and not rushing. But honestly, I don't care that much because it is his life and he has to live it how he sees fit. My life moved on that night he chose her.
I also got a job promotion and I am loving it here at work as well. I have my own apartment and it is darling. I made friends, ones that I really enjoy and go to the beach most Saturdays with friends to play beach volleyball and just have fun in the sun. Life is exactly what it needs to be right now and I can feel that. I don't miss Salt Lake. I miss people in Salt Lake, but I don't have that homesickness that I thought would come. I have been here for 2 months and I have only had one moment of anxiety of feeling alone and the PTSD feelings. That's a HUGE blessing.
There is a guy I have been talking to that still lives in Utah. He is so nice to me and tells me how beautiful I am daily and how amazing I am and how he wants to be with me. This is a very new experience for me. So while there are so many things that make sense for me to stop it all because of distance, it makes more sense to go off of what I am feeling. I will know when to move on if the time comes. Or he will. The one thing I have come to believe with my whole heart is that Heavenly Father knows far better than I do what will be best in my life. That lesson sucks to learn and usually doesn't seem to make sense until much later but it always comes. Even in the times where I am most angry it didn't work out with someone. So with saying that, and fasting for the best thing to happen between this guy and I, I am open to either way. I just want to live in the day and not worry about the rest.
I still very much want to find that man who will love me for me and take me to the Temple and marry the heck out of me. :) But I want it to be the right man, at the right time, in the right place. I hope for this. I still want this more than just about everything. But I want it to be in accordance with the will of Heavenly Father. That's the only way it will be right for me.
The older I get and the more I choose Heavenly Father and His plan for me, the more I see the wisdom in choosing Him and His ways. It brings peace. It doesn't take away the horribly hard and excruciating times in our lives, but it does give us peace and joy if we look for it. I know this. I have lived this. And I know that harder times will come to me in the future. I just pray that I will always choose the Lord over everything. That is the only way to live to have the most joy and happiness. It's the only way to learn what we need to learn to come back to Him.
One of my favorite talks from LDS General Conference comes from Elder Robert D. Hales titled, "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this part always sticks out to me:
"Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”
What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.
To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”
I also got a job promotion and I am loving it here at work as well. I have my own apartment and it is darling. I made friends, ones that I really enjoy and go to the beach most Saturdays with friends to play beach volleyball and just have fun in the sun. Life is exactly what it needs to be right now and I can feel that. I don't miss Salt Lake. I miss people in Salt Lake, but I don't have that homesickness that I thought would come. I have been here for 2 months and I have only had one moment of anxiety of feeling alone and the PTSD feelings. That's a HUGE blessing.
There is a guy I have been talking to that still lives in Utah. He is so nice to me and tells me how beautiful I am daily and how amazing I am and how he wants to be with me. This is a very new experience for me. So while there are so many things that make sense for me to stop it all because of distance, it makes more sense to go off of what I am feeling. I will know when to move on if the time comes. Or he will. The one thing I have come to believe with my whole heart is that Heavenly Father knows far better than I do what will be best in my life. That lesson sucks to learn and usually doesn't seem to make sense until much later but it always comes. Even in the times where I am most angry it didn't work out with someone. So with saying that, and fasting for the best thing to happen between this guy and I, I am open to either way. I just want to live in the day and not worry about the rest.
I still very much want to find that man who will love me for me and take me to the Temple and marry the heck out of me. :) But I want it to be the right man, at the right time, in the right place. I hope for this. I still want this more than just about everything. But I want it to be in accordance with the will of Heavenly Father. That's the only way it will be right for me.
The older I get and the more I choose Heavenly Father and His plan for me, the more I see the wisdom in choosing Him and His ways. It brings peace. It doesn't take away the horribly hard and excruciating times in our lives, but it does give us peace and joy if we look for it. I know this. I have lived this. And I know that harder times will come to me in the future. I just pray that I will always choose the Lord over everything. That is the only way to live to have the most joy and happiness. It's the only way to learn what we need to learn to come back to Him.
One of my favorite talks from LDS General Conference comes from Elder Robert D. Hales titled, "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this part always sticks out to me:
"Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”
What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.
To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Time Heals and Life isn't that Bad
Time heals and life really isn't that bad are both true statements. It completely sucks that Brad didn't choose to be with me and honestly, that will probably hurt my heart for a bit. And honestly, I may not have handled the last text as well as I would have hoped but I do believe that if things are supposed to work out with us in the future, they will regardless. I need to move on, and I am.
First statement: time heals. It just does. I believe that with the Atonement and time, we will heal from all things. But we can't rush it. We can't make the healing go faster. In order to fully heal, you have to be able to let yourself feel what you're feeling in the moment. Between Sunday night and yesterday at 6pm, I cried more than a couple of times. But then I went to boot camp and talked with a friend there while working out and had a great night full of peace and joy. I watched Grey's Anatomy and it really helped ease any pain I had been feeling before boot camp. So while time heals, finding things that help you feel better in the moment help you heal too. Your entire day doesn't have to be sad and horrible, and if it is, you can find something to be grateful for.
On Sunday while waiting to take the sacrament, I was praying really hard that I would be able to accept Heavenly Father's will in this exact situation with Brad whatever happened. I could see either one happening. But I didn't expect what happened later that night. Because I prayed for His will, it still happened even though it wouldn't have been what I would have chosen. He sees what I do not. He knows what will be best for me and how to make that happen. It sucks but if this is His will, than I completely accept it. I have to. He has proven over and over again that His plan is more amazing than I can imagine. The only part I haven't experienced it yet is in the romantic relationship department. I really hope that part is going to come together soon.
Last statement: life really isn't that bad. Yes, this sucks. But as I said earlier, boot camp and Grey's brought my heart a release and life didn't feel all that horrible. It also helps to see how very blessed I am. I have amazing and loving people in my life who pray for me. I know their prayers helped me and continue to. The thing that helps make this statement true is for me to focus on all of the good that is still in my life. The dating part sucks, letting go of a dream/hope that I have had for one man for 10 years sucks, feeling like I am never going to meet a man who I feel is worthy of me and loves me who I want to be with and same for the guy at the same time AND having the timing work out sucks too, but hope continues to be there. I know that today I will probably have a hard time and my heart will heart for a bit, but right now and all morning, I've been fine. I'm grateful for that.
First statement: time heals. It just does. I believe that with the Atonement and time, we will heal from all things. But we can't rush it. We can't make the healing go faster. In order to fully heal, you have to be able to let yourself feel what you're feeling in the moment. Between Sunday night and yesterday at 6pm, I cried more than a couple of times. But then I went to boot camp and talked with a friend there while working out and had a great night full of peace and joy. I watched Grey's Anatomy and it really helped ease any pain I had been feeling before boot camp. So while time heals, finding things that help you feel better in the moment help you heal too. Your entire day doesn't have to be sad and horrible, and if it is, you can find something to be grateful for.
On Sunday while waiting to take the sacrament, I was praying really hard that I would be able to accept Heavenly Father's will in this exact situation with Brad whatever happened. I could see either one happening. But I didn't expect what happened later that night. Because I prayed for His will, it still happened even though it wouldn't have been what I would have chosen. He sees what I do not. He knows what will be best for me and how to make that happen. It sucks but if this is His will, than I completely accept it. I have to. He has proven over and over again that His plan is more amazing than I can imagine. The only part I haven't experienced it yet is in the romantic relationship department. I really hope that part is going to come together soon.
Last statement: life really isn't that bad. Yes, this sucks. But as I said earlier, boot camp and Grey's brought my heart a release and life didn't feel all that horrible. It also helps to see how very blessed I am. I have amazing and loving people in my life who pray for me. I know their prayers helped me and continue to. The thing that helps make this statement true is for me to focus on all of the good that is still in my life. The dating part sucks, letting go of a dream/hope that I have had for one man for 10 years sucks, feeling like I am never going to meet a man who I feel is worthy of me and loves me who I want to be with and same for the guy at the same time AND having the timing work out sucks too, but hope continues to be there. I know that today I will probably have a hard time and my heart will heart for a bit, but right now and all morning, I've been fine. I'm grateful for that.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Seriously?
I have been having a great couple of months full of peace and joy and living life in the moment. I really have felt so blessed. Last night something hard happened.
Brad came a few weeks ago and we hiked and ate donuts and had the best time. I knew that after 10 years I had to say something because he was moving to Phoenix to date and start his life again. So I did. It went really well and he seemed to share my wonderment of what was there. My counselor told me to book a flight after he invited me a few times that night and I did. I booked it 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I saw him just 3 1/2 weeks ago. I am supposed to leave Friday. He called me last night and told me he just became exclusive with a girl down in Phoenix. And he didn't know what I wanted to do. He knew I was going down there for him. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He asked me to keep him posted. I don't think he maliciously tried to make shit of this situation but that's exactly what happened. Really, could it get worse? Yes, it can. Today I tried to transfer my ticket or refund or anything, I found out that I am just out the $268. Awesome, right?
My heart hurts. A lot. But I know it will pass. I really prayed for the best thing to happen and apparently, this was it. That sucks, at least for right now. And the 10 year question was finally answered and all I want to do is move on. Not just say I am moving on but inside stay there and hope for him to come back and get me, but really MOVE ON. I don't have regrets. I put myself out there for someone I cared about and then I gave it a shot and I bought the ticket to go see him even though I didn't have that kind of money to just buy one. I tried. Wow, it sucks.
The other thing that is hard is that he has been the person that I compare everyone else to. I now have to find someone with the exact qualities that Brad has. There were no red flags. Yes, he for sure sucks this week, but most of all I am sad to lose my friend. I basically ended all of it for a couple of reasons. One, when he gets married, we won't be friends anymore because I know what happened in his last marriage. Two, because I don't want to be his friend and give him relationship advice anymore. And three, because he needed to know that if ever decides he wants to be with me, he is going to need to put forth effort because I put a lot forth and got shit on.
Sucks. But I do know it will get better.
Brad came a few weeks ago and we hiked and ate donuts and had the best time. I knew that after 10 years I had to say something because he was moving to Phoenix to date and start his life again. So I did. It went really well and he seemed to share my wonderment of what was there. My counselor told me to book a flight after he invited me a few times that night and I did. I booked it 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I saw him just 3 1/2 weeks ago. I am supposed to leave Friday. He called me last night and told me he just became exclusive with a girl down in Phoenix. And he didn't know what I wanted to do. He knew I was going down there for him. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He asked me to keep him posted. I don't think he maliciously tried to make shit of this situation but that's exactly what happened. Really, could it get worse? Yes, it can. Today I tried to transfer my ticket or refund or anything, I found out that I am just out the $268. Awesome, right?
My heart hurts. A lot. But I know it will pass. I really prayed for the best thing to happen and apparently, this was it. That sucks, at least for right now. And the 10 year question was finally answered and all I want to do is move on. Not just say I am moving on but inside stay there and hope for him to come back and get me, but really MOVE ON. I don't have regrets. I put myself out there for someone I cared about and then I gave it a shot and I bought the ticket to go see him even though I didn't have that kind of money to just buy one. I tried. Wow, it sucks.
The other thing that is hard is that he has been the person that I compare everyone else to. I now have to find someone with the exact qualities that Brad has. There were no red flags. Yes, he for sure sucks this week, but most of all I am sad to lose my friend. I basically ended all of it for a couple of reasons. One, when he gets married, we won't be friends anymore because I know what happened in his last marriage. Two, because I don't want to be his friend and give him relationship advice anymore. And three, because he needed to know that if ever decides he wants to be with me, he is going to need to put forth effort because I put a lot forth and got shit on.
Sucks. But I do know it will get better.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Wish
The last couple of weeks has been pretty lonely. From working out the meat of my childhood to getting off all dating sites and not really meeting anyone. Last Saturday night I went to the Temple and I was so angry at every single couple that I saw, and there were a lot. That isn't fair to them at all. It just hurt so much that I can't seem to have that right now. It's heartbreaking. On top of that, I have this hope for 2 men in my life. Brad and Mike. I could fall in love easily with either of these men given the chance. And there are times with both of them where I think there is something there on their side for me as well. They are each the type of man I would like to end up with. But neither of them are coming for me nor asking me out. It's incredibly frustrating and just sad. This last weekend I decided that it is time to give up hope for both of them so that I can keep moving forward instead of comparing everyone to them and maybe even without realizing it, waiting for one of them to come and get me. No more. It felt freeing when I decided to let it go. But of course the week I do that, they are both all over Facebook and Instagram. Yesterday in the Temple, I kind of drifted off and dreamed of Mike. Those feelings of love and desire and every feeling you have for someone you want to date were on the top of the surface. I wanted to be with him so bad in those moments. But I can't force it and I don't want to. I know that I need and want a man to come and get me because they know they want to be with ME. Tonight I saw him and left early when I usually linger and we hug a billion times and talk about everything and anything. He seemed shocked as he caught me before I left. But I just need to let go. I wish he would come and get me but it's not in my power. It's always and forever in Heavenly Father's hands. And that's how it should be.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Yep, I am still learning
I have been blessed with opportunities lately to learn through dating and friendships. I really believe each experience helps us grow and be better prepared for our future. I also believe it furthers you down the path of who Heavenly Father wants us to be by fulfilling our potential as HE sees it, not us.
Joe. Wow was I definitely and instantly drawn to him on our first date. It was one of the very few times where I instantly felt safe, cared for and an equal. I also had a lot of chemistry with him. That was truly amazing. But even with those things, I was able to see the other side of him too. Although it did take a few weeks longer. I saw the his heart has been thrashed over the past 10 years and that he suffers from some serious things in the mental health world because of it. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that where he is currently at is not a place I want to be. It isn't healthy and because he isn't healthy, I would not be able to have a healthy relationship with him. I realized when everything was moving on that he was very selfish and narcissistic. It was because there is a black hole inside of him that he is trying to fill with love from others because he hasn't had it. That is what I did to Paige and that is a VERY heavy load to carry. It's not healthy and it isn't fair to the person carrying it. He needed to seek help to heal. Healing is good and healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs. I told him I had lost all interest in him and feeling and that I didn't want him to contact me that night or ever. I am not so black and white as to think that if I saw him in 2 years and he got help and we were both is a single place I wouldn't go out with him, but with where he is at, I don't want to tempt myself. I can't. I have spent 2 hard years healing myself.
Andrew. This one was hard. Not the hard that it usually is, the opposite. He was everything I am looking for on paper. He works in the Temple every week, he is 29, he has his Masters Degree, he is very kind and most of all, he really liked me. But after 4 dates and talking on the phone, there were some serious red flags. And I was just so upset at myself because I couldn't talk myself into caring for him and making that "it" factor come. It wasn't that I am not attracted to him because I am. It was that my gut was telling me no and I kept trying to give it more time to change the answer. Because frankly, it is not often when guys are so interest in me and focus on me. When I ended it, I was kind and told him all of the very good qualities he has. I have been given the shaft too many times and I never want to be that person. But I ended it and it was the healthy thing to do.
Matt. This friendship has taught me to trust and has blessed me in more ways than I believe I even know. Today my mom walked into my gym and signed up with Matt. This makes me feel sick inside for so many reasons. I can't protect her, I will have to help her, I will have to teach her, I can't be ashamed of not being a good daughter and pulling away among other things. Matt is going to give her a free training session. He is probably the only person I would want to do that. He will be kind to her and he will care for her because she is my mom. I realized that this is new. While I have opened up to guys, especially over the last 2 years, this is an area that I have never trusted any man with. My mom. Matt is helping me with that trust without even realizing it.
I am very grateful for the things I am learning. It's hard some days but in every day there is something good.
Joe. Wow was I definitely and instantly drawn to him on our first date. It was one of the very few times where I instantly felt safe, cared for and an equal. I also had a lot of chemistry with him. That was truly amazing. But even with those things, I was able to see the other side of him too. Although it did take a few weeks longer. I saw the his heart has been thrashed over the past 10 years and that he suffers from some serious things in the mental health world because of it. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that where he is currently at is not a place I want to be. It isn't healthy and because he isn't healthy, I would not be able to have a healthy relationship with him. I realized when everything was moving on that he was very selfish and narcissistic. It was because there is a black hole inside of him that he is trying to fill with love from others because he hasn't had it. That is what I did to Paige and that is a VERY heavy load to carry. It's not healthy and it isn't fair to the person carrying it. He needed to seek help to heal. Healing is good and healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs. I told him I had lost all interest in him and feeling and that I didn't want him to contact me that night or ever. I am not so black and white as to think that if I saw him in 2 years and he got help and we were both is a single place I wouldn't go out with him, but with where he is at, I don't want to tempt myself. I can't. I have spent 2 hard years healing myself.
Andrew. This one was hard. Not the hard that it usually is, the opposite. He was everything I am looking for on paper. He works in the Temple every week, he is 29, he has his Masters Degree, he is very kind and most of all, he really liked me. But after 4 dates and talking on the phone, there were some serious red flags. And I was just so upset at myself because I couldn't talk myself into caring for him and making that "it" factor come. It wasn't that I am not attracted to him because I am. It was that my gut was telling me no and I kept trying to give it more time to change the answer. Because frankly, it is not often when guys are so interest in me and focus on me. When I ended it, I was kind and told him all of the very good qualities he has. I have been given the shaft too many times and I never want to be that person. But I ended it and it was the healthy thing to do.
Matt. This friendship has taught me to trust and has blessed me in more ways than I believe I even know. Today my mom walked into my gym and signed up with Matt. This makes me feel sick inside for so many reasons. I can't protect her, I will have to help her, I will have to teach her, I can't be ashamed of not being a good daughter and pulling away among other things. Matt is going to give her a free training session. He is probably the only person I would want to do that. He will be kind to her and he will care for her because she is my mom. I realized that this is new. While I have opened up to guys, especially over the last 2 years, this is an area that I have never trusted any man with. My mom. Matt is helping me with that trust without even realizing it.
I am very grateful for the things I am learning. It's hard some days but in every day there is something good.
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