Peace

The one thing I have wanted more than anything in this whole Jared thing is peace. Peace to stay, peace to leave, peace to let go, peace to be his friend no matter what happens, peace to be patient, peace for my soul. I found some last night that I didn't expect but makes sense.

Last night Julia made a comment about finding a new guy because he isn't treating me right. It was almost as if a weight was taken off my shoulders and it was okay that I felt like he isn't currently treating me the way I want, need and definitely deserve to be treated. There was peace that I could be done because there is a viable reason. It was like because someone else said it was okay to do what was best and not play the game anymore. I still don't necessarily want it all to be done for previous reasons stated, but it is okay if it is. I know if it does end, it will still hurt my heart when I see him. But I haven't gotten this far in my healing process to settle for less than I want and deserve. I don't think Jared is a bad guy, I just think timing and some of his own stuff is getting in the way. I want it all. I want someone who knows what they have by having me and cherishes me for exactly who I am. I want to feel safe. I want to feel more loved than I ever have in my life. I hope that these things happen for me more than just about anything else in my life. This is exactly where faith and trust come in with Heavenly Father. I am choosing that. Faith and trust and His timing and peace. I don't know what that means right now but I feel better today because of it.

Nothing still

You know, I have had a lot of emotions go through me about this whole Jared thing. Right now, I just really want to not feel that sadness in my heart from the lack of anything from him and just have a good, lighthearted day. I was telling Matt last night that dating sucks because we have to feel these feelings. There are good, but there are also bad. I am also trying to do so much in this whole thing to learn and grow and become healthier. It is really an ideal situation but one that sure sucks for me.

I have a habit of thinking the worst and expecting it to be done right away and that is something that can happen because I am thinking that way. So bad. And you would be surprised how fast it creeps up inside of me. Right after Jared and I made out, I was already thinking it was done even when there weren't any bad signs at that point. There are now. But the one thing with this is that I try to remind myself that I need to let go instead of trying to send a text or do something so I know one way or the other whether it is done or not. I go at relationships like a goal because that is how I know how to succeed in life. You can't do that with a relationship. It is the opposite, you have to let go and just let happen what will. It doesn't mean that you do nothing, it means that you let go of the control and expectation and writing what could happen, which in my case is usually me trying to prepare for the worst. Not healthy. Living in the moment is so key to this and finding the good in each moment of your day. But let me tell you, that has been really hard to do the last week. I do like Jared. I don't know the end on this one at all because I don't know if he is what I need still. What I know and have known I have felt is that I feel like it is too soon to pull the plug because a lot of what I know about him, I really like and I know there is so much more I don't know about him. One thing that will ultimately end it would be communication and the lack thereof. If this is normal for him, I can't do this. I know that. I saw Ian once a week and we did text every single day. Texting helped me get to know him better and open up and trust him. Even with all of that, I realized that I needed more from someone. I want to be able to see someone(not immediately but eventually) every day. It doesn't mean I spend every waking minute with them, it means that some days I may only have time for a kiss and then we go do our separate things. So hearing from someone at this point is very important to me. And when I don't hear from someone, I think they are done and don't care at all. Which honestly isn't always the case. It is sometimes but not always.

Oh my goodness, my brain is so black and white...especially in situations like this and I preach until the sun goes down about how you have to be gray to others! Even when I am giving him until Sunday or later before I send an email, I keep trying to decide what I will do now for then. I just need my brain to shut off and let it go. When my brain thinks about it, it wants a solution so that my heart will stop hurting and feeling abandoned again(whether or not that is the case). I just want to be happy today in today for the things that are happening today. So that is what I have tried to do all morning. I went to my pinterest page of "LOVE!" and laughed at what was on there. Then all of the nice things I have been thinking about saying to people or doing, I do when I think of them. I am a total Facebook whore today. But I feel good. I went to FHE last night because we were serving and even though I was apprehensive about seeing Jared(who wasn't there) I went because I needed to serve. So that is how I am trying to deal with this part.

I loved seeing my sister last night and being able to serve her. It helped my heart. Her text this morning was exactly what I needed to remind me that I am loved, regardless of what does or does not happen with any man. I loved talking with Matty last night. I love that I feel so comfortable around him and safe with him. I am so grateful for his perspective that finally helped calm me down yesterday. I love knowing that he genuinely cares about me and likes me for me, exactly the way I am. I love feeling that from men. I feel that same thing with Craig. I am so grateful to these 2 men for this. I don't want to marry either one of them but I really love them. They have helped me grow more than I could have imagined.

What I really want is to be able to be Jared's friend no matter what happens. Right now I don't let my guard down because in some ways I am playing the game because it seems that you have to play it. I want to just let down my guard and have fun and be me and not worry. Craig and Matt like me because I am me and I don't have those walls. That is what I felt strongly about last week was trusting Jared and letting him in. It takes time. But whatever happens between us, I just want to be able to be his friend after in a healthy way.

This is a hard lesson to learn. The reason I stick around longer than I believe most would is because there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that says, "when in the selection of a mate I bless you to remember the blessings of patience, kindness and understanding..." I am learning all of those in this situation. It doesn't mean he is the one, it just means like everyone before, I am learning these things with him. It's hard.

I hope to keep feeling good today. I have a new scripture that I am memorizing to help every time the negative thoughts come into my mind. It is Isaiah 42:16 "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." I hope this all helps. I'm grateful I am learning but it is sucky. :)

Uhh...

I really have no idea what to title this because it will probably be all over the place. I wouldn't call it a rant, just a vent.

My heart hurts a little bit. Jared hasn't made the effort in contacting me in over a week since our make out. Seriously? I do not make out with just anyone. It means something to me. I have been here before where the guy has freaked out and then just dropped off the face of the planet. Well, it doesn't work so well when they are in your ward. I saw him yesterday and he seemed nervous a little but not the awkward I don't want to know you nervous which usually accompanies this, it was the almost cute nervous he was when he came to my event. I keep feeling like there is more about him that I need to know before I walk but the more time that passes without anything, I am feeling closer to walking from this. I will give this to the end of the week and then I will probably send him an email being honest with him about all of it. I will be nice and I will be tactful but I will also let him know that it isn't okay. I was so hoping that when I saw him yesterday I wouldn't have that attachment emotion to him but I did. He wore his green sweater and he always looks good in that. I looked beautiful too so hopefully he was eating his heart out.

This is a part of the gray that I haven't done nor mastered. It's really hard. I have to let him do what he is going to do and not be able to be cut and dry. Then on the other hand too if it does come to a close, I have to figure out how to be his friend and not put of the famous sign on my head. I wanted so much to open up and trust him how I have trusted Craig but right now, Jared is not a safe place. I don't think he has my feelings in mind. I felt like I needed to open up and give him a chance and I just feel like I haven't had that opportunity. I feel like he could be but he isn't right now. When I am with him, I feel completely safe and good, when I am not, I don't, especially when he isn't talking to me. Even last Thursday I felt like it wasn't over even if we didn't go out last weekend. I am trying to be open to anything and maybe this time I will be pleasantly surprised and he will come and get me like I always want a man to do. Or it may turn out how the rest of them have. Whichever it is, I just need it to be the way the Lord wants it and I really just want peace to accompany it. The peace is more valuable than anything and will get me through anything. I just want to feel it is best. I don't feel like it is the right timing yet to bail. I want to believe in Jared and that there is still good that can come from this. I hate it when my heart hurts. But such is life. Let the Lord's will happen.

He is my father, my friend and the person I want to tell all to

One of the biggest blessings of my year has been the improvement of my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I feel like He is there and cares about what I am saying when I pray to Him. I never feel judged for what I am feeling or what I am doing because I feel that He knows my heart and sees me for exactly who I am. It has been such a blessing to be able to tell Him how I am and how I am feeling about hard situations and just about what is happening day to day. I made out with Jared last night and I have been freaking out about it since for a few reasons, but I feel so much peace just knowing that He knows what I am feeling and that it is okay. I am very grateful for this.

too much vs. too little

Day 4 and I haven't heard anything from Jared. I found out on Tuesday night when I went to flag football that he is in Idaho until Sunday. Last night I kept going back and forth as to whether I should send over a fun text just to basically check-in. I went through a lot of emotions and in the end decided against it. I felt that if I would have sent it, it would have been out of desperation instead of a light easy text to say hello. I thought about snake girl and how they may be texting and he could forget about me and I had to stay in his mind. So I felt that desperation of doing too little and worrying that I would lose the opportunity to see where he and I could go because he would end up interested more in snake girl. But then on the flip side, I felt so strongly that I want a man that knows he wants me. I want a man who will come and get me. Jared has done this for the most part so far. I wanted to let another night go by. I think I will send him my original text today, not because I feel desperate, but because I do want to keep it going and I feel like I want to do something. Where is that line though of doing too much vs. doing too little? I honestly don't know. But what I feel in my gut is that yesterday wasn't the day to send something, today can be if I still feel good about it.

Yesterday also had its joys. I sent Brad a package of Dunford donuts for his birthday...and the cookies that were saved for Jared(I don't feel bad at all about this because he was with snake girl all Sunday night). :) He didn't get them on Tuesday because he had patients all day and couldn't get back to his apartment complex before they closed to pick it up. But he sent me a text and then called yesterday. He said that my gift made his day and that I hit a grand slam with it. :) That was so nice to hear and I tried to focus on that yesterday. I can't help but think that Brad is a great fit for me. Matt and I were talking on Monday and he was talking about a good fit vs. a great fit and how I wanted a great fit. Brad popped in my mind when he said that. But the timing is never on and we have never been in the same place and honestly, he may not even be interested in me, but there is still that question mark in my brain that remains regarding him. I am currently still more interested in Jared but I think it is more proximity for the time being. I can see nothing ever happening with Brad and us being friends and that will be just fine. The way he makes me feel is something that I want to feel with whoever I marry. I feel like I can truly do anything that I want to or need to without feeling worried about my spouse feeling like I am crushing them at the same time. I feel like he would support me and still feel like a man even if I became President. I don't want to be President, but you get what I mean. The other thing is that he and I are very much on the same page of having friends of the opposite sex after your married. He also will give his whole heart and soul to the Lord and to his marriage. These things make me feel safe and feel like I can always be true to me and who the Lord will need me to be and be able to 100% be able to trust my spouse. I am so grateful for knowing there is a man out there with those qualities.

Today is institute and that means Mike. He is still delish and at least he is fun for the night. There is a guy off of Tinder that I met who just moved into my ward and he said he may come tonight too. Either way, I am focusing on living in today. It's not easy but there is far more peace when I am able to do it. Live in the moment.

Not Allowed to be Feisty

If there is one word that I would think of that describes me when I am really unhappy about something, it would be feisty. And anyone who knows me well knows that it a very true statement. Well, last night I was most definitely feisty...and really, I am a little bit today too. I'm working on it.

Let's start at a happy place and then we'll end with the feisty and try and close with something at least a little uplifting.

Friday night. Jared was adorable and sweet and I had a great time. He was warm. He walked in and gave me a good, longer hug and told me how good I looked and I just melted(darn it!). Then we went mini golfing which for the record, I am not the best at and I really enjoy being good at things. But it was really fun. While there he talked about our next date being us getting green bikes downtown and going to these food places we were talking about. That is such a good idea and cute. Then he was sitting on the bench waiting for Ju and Josh to golf, he invited me to sit down and he put his arm around me. That was lovely. After we ended up getting ice cream and when they dropped us off, the hug was wonderful and again, warm. I sent him the after date text and I thought all was really going well. Ju said she thought he was interested because he put his arm around me and he was so attentive.

Saturday. Well he was at the church cleaning with us. He hasn't done that before. And he was back to Ward Jared instead of the guy I had gone out with the night before. It was fine but I didn't realize he was there and I was talking to Josh and James about the party that night we were having. I hadn't invited him for 2 reasons: one is that he still needs to be chasing me and two, he was going to the game. So later that day I decided to send him a text with a super casual invite. He wrote me back around 11 that night and said that he just noticed his earlier text didn't get sent to me. Then he asked about the party. I told him we were watching the Prestige and he commented that he loved that movie so naturally I invited him, nothing needy, to it. He declined but said, "Raincheck on a scary movie?" I said yes and that ended the night.

Sunday. It wasn't as awkward as a few weeks ago. We talked but I was feeling off. My fears of men leaving me were setting in and I noticed him talking with Brittany(snake on top of her head in her profile pic girl...seriously??!) too. But I keep reminding myself that I am also talking with guys. I put my stuff down on a bench and then headed over to talk to my roommate who was playing the organ. Jared and his roommates sat down on the same row as my stuff and I didn't feel weird about sitting there because I was there first so really, suck it if you have an issue. (I am charming today. :))After church we had a mingle and I was still feeling off while we were talking with him and his roommates. I did my best to be as fun as possible. I think I did okay, not horrible. But then this is when it gets...well, it makes me angry. Snake girl comes to a party that I was at for my good friend's birthday. Because I am who I am, I had my friend see who snake girl was texting because her phone was out and flying all over the place. She was texting Jared. I want to insert here that I know we are not dating exclusively and he gets to do whatever he wants to. But I'm sorry, when there is interest, it is still frustrating to have to actually SEE that. Then after I left my roommate told me she overheard snake girl telling a friend of ours that she was heading over to Jared's house...Trevor's home teaching companion. That is how we knew it was the right Jared. It was 10pm at night on a Sunday...SERIOUSLY?! Yes, I know we are not exclusive but hearing that is not good. Because what else do you do at 10 freaking pm on a Sunday night besides make out or cuddle?!???!?!? The healthy thing to insert here is that I have no idea what happen and I am jumping to conclusions(I feel like they could be pretty accurate) but really, I have no idea. And beyond that, it isn't my business or my call to make. I can't control it. I don't want to control it either. I want to be with someone who chooses to be with me for me. I will get this one day. I just hope that day is coming sooner.

I am not going to FHE tonight because I don't think I am capable today of not putting up the "F off" sign to him and her. But it can't be up. I have to act like I have no idea. I have to be me without the reservations inside my heart knowing he may have just made out with her. Let me just tell you, this is hard for me because of how real I am in all aspects. I can't be fake because it isn't in me. But tomorrow is a new day and we will see what happens.

On a brighter note, I decided to do a guesstimate of how many people I have served over the time I have gone basically every week. I figured out yesterday that I have served roughly about 1801 people. That is amazing and I am grateful for that.

Good Night!

A lot of the time I write on here it is when I am trying to unload something or trying to get through a hard moment. Today is just about how awesome last night turned out!

As Paige perfectly said it, we are throwing the rule book out on Jared because he doesn't seem to follow one when it comes to dating. He called me last night and asked me out for this weekend...!!! I had just had two fillings taken care of at the dentist and sounded ridiculous when I tried to speak but we laughed about it. We talked for 20 minutes and I laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. I found out that he did text me back on Tuesday and until I sent him that email on Wednesday morning he just thought I was in the Temple a long time. But he did text me back. :-) That would have been a great thing to write me back in the email on Wednesday but hey, he asked me out so I am good. But then I was excited again. :-)

Then last night was institute and Mike runs it. He is just delish. :) We flirted...like some good flirting and then I left with him wanting more(or I assume by his reaction). He has women always commenting on his stuff on Facebook and women around him and that makes me a little nervous but I really feel like there is interest there on his side and hopefully, eventually he will ask me out. He is definitely kiss worthy. :)

It was a good night and I wasn't expecting such a great night. I am very grateful for it.