Monday, September 9, 2013
No More Please
I went to counseling today and felt so much better after. I explained all that has been happening the last 3 weeks and how I felt. Instead of making me feel bad about what I was feeling, she agreed with the feelings. She agreed with my assessments of things that were handled well and things that were not. She didn't agree because she was trying to get me to like her, she genuinely agreed. The hard part is that I got home, talked with my roommate about an issue we had and felt wrong again for feeling what I had. I felt like I am weird and wrong for feeling what I did. She also told me other things that I am not great at. She didn't mean to hurt my feelings but of course with my personality, all I heard were those things that are disgusting about me, or so they feel. I am trying to put a happy face on each day and do my best in each day. I am really trying to love myself more each day. But I just feel like I am failing. Failing at being healthy, normal, desirable, kind, loving, not being jealous, patient and so much more. I have no more to give today. I have nothing left. I will try again tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Life is hard
Life is hard. Julia told me last week to stop trying to hurry and get feeling better and just allow myself to be sad, hurt, angry and whatever else comes. Today I am doing that. I think that Satan is trying to kill me by cutting out the people I have loved most for the last few years or it is Heavenly Father opening a new path for me to walk with new people. I don't know which one it is yet. All I know is that life changes and you have to keep moving with it and make it the best you can. I'm trying to do that and I think that is one area in the last month that I have been okay at. I have made mistakes, felt more sadness, pain and a heavier heart than any other time this year, but I have made it a point to look for my many blessings every single day. Each morning I wake up and I keep trying and I pray that even though it could be a hard day with my usual heavy heart, that I am able to feel grateful for the blessings I see in that day. I know I am blessed. I just want to be able to FEEL that in my heart. I have decided that a grateful heart is a happy heart. It releases some pain and helps me see the good. I already know that you can find happiness in every day. Now it is time to learn how to be happy during hard times of trial.
I am just going to list the things that I believe are influencing my heavy heart and hopefully it will lighten:
Landon. This is a man who I have been friends with for years, really good friends. I felt so right about telling him all that I did and I felt how it was done was good. I still have not heard from him in over a month. I have sent him emails and texts and he won't respond. While I still feel that this was the right path and thing to do, it still hurts that someone I have loved and cared for decided to leave my life.
Katie. She moved to Colorado. This is exactly what they need to be doing but there is a difference in me from it. It is harder for me to feel that safe love that she gives me. This will get better and I am sure is getting better right now because I am working on it. They need to be there and it is right for them and that is what is best and I will be okay.
Car. Seriously, I only have to pay for 2 things if something goes wrong on my car. My tires and windows. Last week my two front tires were down to threads and I was heading to Logan. I had to replace all 4 tires. Monday while coming back from Lava, three rocks flew into my windshield and the crack in the middle spidered 5 inches by the time we got back and another 5 since. The blessing of both is that I have a savings account and I can take money from there. Another blessing is that I was safe. If my tires would have blown out, it could have been very dangerous. My sensor in my car alerted me to my back tire being low. That is a blessing.
Mikelle. On Saturday I got my hair done by my friend and hairstylist of 17 years. She is great and very talented but takes a lot longer because we chat and it slows her down. Saturday night I had made a reservation to meet friends for my birthday and I really wanted to be there on time. I told Mikelle about this and when I HAD to be gone. That time came around and she wasn't grasping what I needed. She also offered up advice that I was not having at all. I know she meant well but inside I just felt angry and frustrated. And then I was even more of both because I was feeling that way. I just felt like those closest are not going to be around.
Paige. I finally broke down and shared feelings. I did it in a bad way which I felt horrible for but they were honest feelings. I did apologize about it, sincerely. My feelings are very much hurt and upset and unsure and understanding to her. I don't know what that means. But I am doing my best with it.
Megan. The one time I got to see her, I was very upset because of a miscommunication and handled it in a bad way. I got upset and instead of walking away and breathing, I let it my anger take over. I didn't get to see my good friend again while she was here and I regret that a lot.
Megan and Paige and their husbands. This was especially hard. I really like both husbands a lot. But I really just wanted it to be us 3+1 for dinner. Normally I wouldn't have said anything but the feeling of dread and of how horrible I felt after our last 5 person experience, I just really felt sick about going and said something. I haven't had strong feelings against something in a long time. I told them my feelings. Drama happened and I just wish I wouldn't have felt such strong feelings and just been able to suck it up. I don't know where those feelings came from. But it just added to losing close friendships in my life that I have depended on and loved for many years. It isn't that I am losing them, it is that they are very different and I have to figure out how to make it work for me with the difference and how to do that. I felt like what was important to me wasn't to them, that my feelings were far less important than what they were doing. There were other options, but they saw one option and that was how it was going to be regardless of what I felt. I don't think that either one was on a plan to make my night horrible or even knew how hard it is for me, it was just how it all came out. Miscommunication and bad timing. I was so upset as to why my feelings would be so strong. I still don't have a good answer for that. All I know is that it happened and it has been hard.
Mom. Being around my mom has been very difficult. It has been very hard for me recently feeling that I never have had that "safe place" in someone. I have never had a parent figure who I could go to and trust and feel like they loved me and would take care of me. There is no way to have this as an adult. You have to get it from pieces here and there. Let me tell you, it is not good. I always have to be strong. I always have to keep it together. I have to be fine so that others can rely on me. It is too much and it is so hard. My mom drains this out of me so much. She puts me into her mother role and it really hard for me. I want to run. I can't explain these feelings but they are destructive.
Julia and Craig. I had a roommate named Kate and we are very similar when it comes to men you like, have dated or are getting over. You are nice to them but you don't in any way flirt with them. To me, it is a way to be loyal to your friends and that invites trust. I know I think of things different than most. Julia said she doesn't know how to not flirt unless she is being rude to them and avoiding. We talked about it and I just felt like I was the crazy person. I have no claim over Craig. I would say I don't want to be with him. By trying to physically steal the football from him in my car with just us 3 is going to piss me off for 2 hours. If I am dating someone else, no prob. But I'm not and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me lose trust. Craig is whatever. He flirts with everyone and that is a reason I am not so interested. I finally told her to forget about it because of how it was playing out and I didn't want our friendship to hurt because of it. But then again, I felt like I am losing my good friends left and right. And it made me feel like I had something wrong with me.
Feeling Alone. I have had destructive thoughts in the last month of not feeling like I am worth it to men to take a chance on or to even be worth it to love, let alone be attracted to. I know these are bad for me and each time they came up, I fought back. But for whatever reason, this last month against all of my fighting, I have felt incredibly alone and unloved and unwanted. Let me tell you, those feelings are horrible. Each time they come in, I try to reroute my brain to my blessings and what went well that day. It's hard.
While all of these things have been hard, and other things I haven't mentioned, each and every day I wake up, thank Heavenly Father for my blessings, really feel His love for me and start my day. I keep walking. I keep going. Some days I am not moving forward, I am simply making it through. But each day I look for Heavenly Father's hand. I have always had this fear that I would have to lose another person close to me and trust in Heavenly Father this time without getting angry at Him. This could be that time and I want to trust Him more than anything and feel His love. I have felt it and couldn't be more grateful for that. Life is hard for everyone and it is kicking my trash.
Just like the things I am having a hard time with, I want to write some of the things that are helping me get out of bed:
Camping at the Girl Scout Camp a few weeks ago. I had such gratitude for my surroundings and how beautiful it was.
Boot camp in the rain. Who knew this would put me in a better mood?? But it did just that. It was pouring rain last week and after a really hard day, I went and my friends there, combined with laughing and working out made it great for a moment.
Amy and the U game. Amy took me to the Utah game on my birthday and I had no expectations and had such a good night. She made me feel like I was important because it was my birthday and really made me feel good. The game was amazing and I loved being there. The stress of running into Ian wasn't there, it was just a great night.
Logan with Katie. I love my sister more than words will ever express. This girl loves me and needs me and cares for me and I can feel that every day. We just hung out all day and made food and relaxed and talked. It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday, time with her.
Faustina Dinner. I set up a dinner for good friends. I wanted a good meal. I was very grateful for those who made time to come and be with me and help me celebrate. Time is a big deal to me. It shows me that for 2 hours once a year, you will set time aside to be with me. All of my Mormon friends left the moment they finished eating but my gym friends, Whitney and Kristen and I sat around eating dessert and talking and dining. Dining is something that some people don't get. You don't eat and run. You enjoy, talk, eat and enjoy the experience. We talked for an hour after about many things including Italy. They didn't make me feel rushed or that they had to hurry and get somewhere else, they just sat and talked and enjoyed each other. This was huge to me and made me feel their love. It has been a rough day and it ended beautiful.
Sunday night and peach pie with Katie. Some may think I am nuts, but I drove up to Lava, then an hour to Logan to spend the night with Katie. She had the world's best peach pie waiting for me and even better, she was sitting there waiting. We talked for an hour and it was just nice to be with her.
Monday at Lava. The night before had been rough with the Julia and Craig stuff and I just didn't want to feel yucky anymore. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I prayed really hard that morning for it. I was blessed with this. I was able to just remove myself when it got annoyed and just focused on enjoyed the day and those that were there and uplift them. It happened and it was a great day.
Last night. We had flag football at 9:30pm and I had debated it all day. I was still exhausted from the weekend and hadn't had dinner yet and was coming from boot camp where we got pounded hard. But I went. I played with the boys and had such a blast. I played well. I caught 2 interceptions and a touchdown pass and I played decent defense. It felt good to feel like I was good at something.
Yesterday. After work I went to the Temple. There was such great peace there. When I got to the Temple, it is like coming home for me. It is the only physical place on earth that I can go and feel at home. I felt that I just melted into my chair. I felt when I was driving there that everything with Paige, that she was doing the best she could. I had felt a lot of feelings and still feel a lot of feelings regarding it, but that was a peaceful feeling that has stuck with me because I know it came from above. I was grateful to be able to be in the House of the Lord and feel His Spirit. While there, I felt like all of this that has been going on sucks, but I am going to be okay. I felt great peace about it. I understood and knew that I didn't know how or what it meant, but that I was going to be okay. I feel that peace now as I write it again. I'm incredibly grateful for this.
Every morning I wake up and pray for a lot of things. Those things that I pray for most is that I will be able to see my blessings through every day, even the difficult ones, to be able to react best to what comes, to be able to help those who need it and to be the person He wants me to be. I'm trying. I will try again tomorrow.
I am just going to list the things that I believe are influencing my heavy heart and hopefully it will lighten:
Landon. This is a man who I have been friends with for years, really good friends. I felt so right about telling him all that I did and I felt how it was done was good. I still have not heard from him in over a month. I have sent him emails and texts and he won't respond. While I still feel that this was the right path and thing to do, it still hurts that someone I have loved and cared for decided to leave my life.
Katie. She moved to Colorado. This is exactly what they need to be doing but there is a difference in me from it. It is harder for me to feel that safe love that she gives me. This will get better and I am sure is getting better right now because I am working on it. They need to be there and it is right for them and that is what is best and I will be okay.
Car. Seriously, I only have to pay for 2 things if something goes wrong on my car. My tires and windows. Last week my two front tires were down to threads and I was heading to Logan. I had to replace all 4 tires. Monday while coming back from Lava, three rocks flew into my windshield and the crack in the middle spidered 5 inches by the time we got back and another 5 since. The blessing of both is that I have a savings account and I can take money from there. Another blessing is that I was safe. If my tires would have blown out, it could have been very dangerous. My sensor in my car alerted me to my back tire being low. That is a blessing.
Mikelle. On Saturday I got my hair done by my friend and hairstylist of 17 years. She is great and very talented but takes a lot longer because we chat and it slows her down. Saturday night I had made a reservation to meet friends for my birthday and I really wanted to be there on time. I told Mikelle about this and when I HAD to be gone. That time came around and she wasn't grasping what I needed. She also offered up advice that I was not having at all. I know she meant well but inside I just felt angry and frustrated. And then I was even more of both because I was feeling that way. I just felt like those closest are not going to be around.
Paige. I finally broke down and shared feelings. I did it in a bad way which I felt horrible for but they were honest feelings. I did apologize about it, sincerely. My feelings are very much hurt and upset and unsure and understanding to her. I don't know what that means. But I am doing my best with it.
Megan. The one time I got to see her, I was very upset because of a miscommunication and handled it in a bad way. I got upset and instead of walking away and breathing, I let it my anger take over. I didn't get to see my good friend again while she was here and I regret that a lot.
Megan and Paige and their husbands. This was especially hard. I really like both husbands a lot. But I really just wanted it to be us 3+1 for dinner. Normally I wouldn't have said anything but the feeling of dread and of how horrible I felt after our last 5 person experience, I just really felt sick about going and said something. I haven't had strong feelings against something in a long time. I told them my feelings. Drama happened and I just wish I wouldn't have felt such strong feelings and just been able to suck it up. I don't know where those feelings came from. But it just added to losing close friendships in my life that I have depended on and loved for many years. It isn't that I am losing them, it is that they are very different and I have to figure out how to make it work for me with the difference and how to do that. I felt like what was important to me wasn't to them, that my feelings were far less important than what they were doing. There were other options, but they saw one option and that was how it was going to be regardless of what I felt. I don't think that either one was on a plan to make my night horrible or even knew how hard it is for me, it was just how it all came out. Miscommunication and bad timing. I was so upset as to why my feelings would be so strong. I still don't have a good answer for that. All I know is that it happened and it has been hard.
Mom. Being around my mom has been very difficult. It has been very hard for me recently feeling that I never have had that "safe place" in someone. I have never had a parent figure who I could go to and trust and feel like they loved me and would take care of me. There is no way to have this as an adult. You have to get it from pieces here and there. Let me tell you, it is not good. I always have to be strong. I always have to keep it together. I have to be fine so that others can rely on me. It is too much and it is so hard. My mom drains this out of me so much. She puts me into her mother role and it really hard for me. I want to run. I can't explain these feelings but they are destructive.
Julia and Craig. I had a roommate named Kate and we are very similar when it comes to men you like, have dated or are getting over. You are nice to them but you don't in any way flirt with them. To me, it is a way to be loyal to your friends and that invites trust. I know I think of things different than most. Julia said she doesn't know how to not flirt unless she is being rude to them and avoiding. We talked about it and I just felt like I was the crazy person. I have no claim over Craig. I would say I don't want to be with him. By trying to physically steal the football from him in my car with just us 3 is going to piss me off for 2 hours. If I am dating someone else, no prob. But I'm not and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me lose trust. Craig is whatever. He flirts with everyone and that is a reason I am not so interested. I finally told her to forget about it because of how it was playing out and I didn't want our friendship to hurt because of it. But then again, I felt like I am losing my good friends left and right. And it made me feel like I had something wrong with me.
Feeling Alone. I have had destructive thoughts in the last month of not feeling like I am worth it to men to take a chance on or to even be worth it to love, let alone be attracted to. I know these are bad for me and each time they came up, I fought back. But for whatever reason, this last month against all of my fighting, I have felt incredibly alone and unloved and unwanted. Let me tell you, those feelings are horrible. Each time they come in, I try to reroute my brain to my blessings and what went well that day. It's hard.
While all of these things have been hard, and other things I haven't mentioned, each and every day I wake up, thank Heavenly Father for my blessings, really feel His love for me and start my day. I keep walking. I keep going. Some days I am not moving forward, I am simply making it through. But each day I look for Heavenly Father's hand. I have always had this fear that I would have to lose another person close to me and trust in Heavenly Father this time without getting angry at Him. This could be that time and I want to trust Him more than anything and feel His love. I have felt it and couldn't be more grateful for that. Life is hard for everyone and it is kicking my trash.
Just like the things I am having a hard time with, I want to write some of the things that are helping me get out of bed:
Camping at the Girl Scout Camp a few weeks ago. I had such gratitude for my surroundings and how beautiful it was.
Boot camp in the rain. Who knew this would put me in a better mood?? But it did just that. It was pouring rain last week and after a really hard day, I went and my friends there, combined with laughing and working out made it great for a moment.
Amy and the U game. Amy took me to the Utah game on my birthday and I had no expectations and had such a good night. She made me feel like I was important because it was my birthday and really made me feel good. The game was amazing and I loved being there. The stress of running into Ian wasn't there, it was just a great night.
Logan with Katie. I love my sister more than words will ever express. This girl loves me and needs me and cares for me and I can feel that every day. We just hung out all day and made food and relaxed and talked. It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday, time with her.
Faustina Dinner. I set up a dinner for good friends. I wanted a good meal. I was very grateful for those who made time to come and be with me and help me celebrate. Time is a big deal to me. It shows me that for 2 hours once a year, you will set time aside to be with me. All of my Mormon friends left the moment they finished eating but my gym friends, Whitney and Kristen and I sat around eating dessert and talking and dining. Dining is something that some people don't get. You don't eat and run. You enjoy, talk, eat and enjoy the experience. We talked for an hour after about many things including Italy. They didn't make me feel rushed or that they had to hurry and get somewhere else, they just sat and talked and enjoyed each other. This was huge to me and made me feel their love. It has been a rough day and it ended beautiful.
Sunday night and peach pie with Katie. Some may think I am nuts, but I drove up to Lava, then an hour to Logan to spend the night with Katie. She had the world's best peach pie waiting for me and even better, she was sitting there waiting. We talked for an hour and it was just nice to be with her.
Monday at Lava. The night before had been rough with the Julia and Craig stuff and I just didn't want to feel yucky anymore. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I prayed really hard that morning for it. I was blessed with this. I was able to just remove myself when it got annoyed and just focused on enjoyed the day and those that were there and uplift them. It happened and it was a great day.
Last night. We had flag football at 9:30pm and I had debated it all day. I was still exhausted from the weekend and hadn't had dinner yet and was coming from boot camp where we got pounded hard. But I went. I played with the boys and had such a blast. I played well. I caught 2 interceptions and a touchdown pass and I played decent defense. It felt good to feel like I was good at something.
Yesterday. After work I went to the Temple. There was such great peace there. When I got to the Temple, it is like coming home for me. It is the only physical place on earth that I can go and feel at home. I felt that I just melted into my chair. I felt when I was driving there that everything with Paige, that she was doing the best she could. I had felt a lot of feelings and still feel a lot of feelings regarding it, but that was a peaceful feeling that has stuck with me because I know it came from above. I was grateful to be able to be in the House of the Lord and feel His Spirit. While there, I felt like all of this that has been going on sucks, but I am going to be okay. I felt great peace about it. I understood and knew that I didn't know how or what it meant, but that I was going to be okay. I feel that peace now as I write it again. I'm incredibly grateful for this.
Every morning I wake up and pray for a lot of things. Those things that I pray for most is that I will be able to see my blessings through every day, even the difficult ones, to be able to react best to what comes, to be able to help those who need it and to be the person He wants me to be. I'm trying. I will try again tomorrow.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
There is great truth to "Two steps forward, one step back" when it comes to healing...or honestly, anything. I have been feeling so accomplished lately and have been feeling that I have come so far and I am so healthy. Well, I am and I did make great progress, but I also took a step back. I am really struggling to feel worth it to men. I have wanted other people to tell me I am worth it so that I know. This is not the healthy way and I got away from doing that.
I have to feel worth it to me. I have to feel my worth come from my Heavenly Father. This is extremely hard for me right now for some reason. There have been a lot of things that have happened and I can see the abandonment that my body is taking from it. Some things I feel like aren't really affecting me but they are. Landon decided he was done because I told him something really hard. I get it and I feel a little relieved at times because I couldn't help him the way he wanted. My sister moved to Colorado with her wonderful husband. My good friend and co-worker left for a new, wonderful position at a new hotel. I still see her multiple times each week so I don't think it is creating it. One thing that is I believe that so many people on my Facebook, in my ward, in my house, that are finding love. I'm standing here watching and feeling so lonely and wanting what they have so much it hurts. It actually hurts. It isn't that I am not happy for them because I am genuinely happy for almost all of them. Comparison is the thief of joy but it is hard to see and not want it for myself.
Wanting to be with someone is not just because others have someone or are finding someone. It is something I have wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Someone to just love me and put me first and be there for me. How great would that be? I am turning 31 this week and in my entire 30 year old year, I haven't even held a guys hand, let alone kissed a man. That is just depressing. But I don't just want to kiss someone, I want it to mean something. It isn't that there aren't men who are interested in me. It is that there isn't a man that I am interested in who is interested in me at the same time. One blessing is that I do feel beautiful. But even with feeling beautiful, it still feels like there is something wrong with me because no one I am interested in wants to be with me. Pretty sucky.
I want to go back to feeling peace about God's will and timing and let go of the feeling of wanting to control it. I want to get married so bad but there is not a darn thing I can do to get it. It is His timing, not at all mine. That is difficult. But I have felt the good of trusting before and I want to go back to that peace. I want to love myself more. I want to really feel my blessings in each day because I know they are there. I don't want to be so ungrateful because there is so much good in my life. I want to enjoy that good instead of focusing so much on what I don't have. I want to feel good inside again and not feel like I am not worth it to men or that there is something not appealing about me.
In church we talk about how Satan is focusing on the family and trying to tear it down. I believe he starts with strong and righteous women before we even get to the dating or marriage stage. He attacks men and women in different ways but the outcome stays the same--we are getting married later and less than before. Men and women are falling away from the church because we aren't finding that one thing we want more than anything in our timing and so we seek happiness in other ways. I get why people fall away. I have no plans of it because I know that there isn't greater happiness away from Heavenly Father. I know because I have tried the other path and the most peace and happiness lie with Him in His plan and ways. It's not easy. And frankly, it sucks at times feeling so lonely. But I just want to trust in His plan and timing and way. I want to feel better and I feel that I am doing all I can to do that. I will keep trying.
I have to feel worth it to me. I have to feel my worth come from my Heavenly Father. This is extremely hard for me right now for some reason. There have been a lot of things that have happened and I can see the abandonment that my body is taking from it. Some things I feel like aren't really affecting me but they are. Landon decided he was done because I told him something really hard. I get it and I feel a little relieved at times because I couldn't help him the way he wanted. My sister moved to Colorado with her wonderful husband. My good friend and co-worker left for a new, wonderful position at a new hotel. I still see her multiple times each week so I don't think it is creating it. One thing that is I believe that so many people on my Facebook, in my ward, in my house, that are finding love. I'm standing here watching and feeling so lonely and wanting what they have so much it hurts. It actually hurts. It isn't that I am not happy for them because I am genuinely happy for almost all of them. Comparison is the thief of joy but it is hard to see and not want it for myself.
Wanting to be with someone is not just because others have someone or are finding someone. It is something I have wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Someone to just love me and put me first and be there for me. How great would that be? I am turning 31 this week and in my entire 30 year old year, I haven't even held a guys hand, let alone kissed a man. That is just depressing. But I don't just want to kiss someone, I want it to mean something. It isn't that there aren't men who are interested in me. It is that there isn't a man that I am interested in who is interested in me at the same time. One blessing is that I do feel beautiful. But even with feeling beautiful, it still feels like there is something wrong with me because no one I am interested in wants to be with me. Pretty sucky.
I want to go back to feeling peace about God's will and timing and let go of the feeling of wanting to control it. I want to get married so bad but there is not a darn thing I can do to get it. It is His timing, not at all mine. That is difficult. But I have felt the good of trusting before and I want to go back to that peace. I want to love myself more. I want to really feel my blessings in each day because I know they are there. I don't want to be so ungrateful because there is so much good in my life. I want to enjoy that good instead of focusing so much on what I don't have. I want to feel good inside again and not feel like I am not worth it to men or that there is something not appealing about me.
In church we talk about how Satan is focusing on the family and trying to tear it down. I believe he starts with strong and righteous women before we even get to the dating or marriage stage. He attacks men and women in different ways but the outcome stays the same--we are getting married later and less than before. Men and women are falling away from the church because we aren't finding that one thing we want more than anything in our timing and so we seek happiness in other ways. I get why people fall away. I have no plans of it because I know that there isn't greater happiness away from Heavenly Father. I know because I have tried the other path and the most peace and happiness lie with Him in His plan and ways. It's not easy. And frankly, it sucks at times feeling so lonely. But I just want to trust in His plan and timing and way. I want to feel better and I feel that I am doing all I can to do that. I will keep trying.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Wish I could get rid of this feeling
For the past 2 weeks, I can't seem to get rid of that alone feeling. All I have been praying for and wanting is to be able to see my blessings in each day and enjoy them instead of focusing on the one thing I really want that I don't have yet. I realized a week ago how much I was craving a parent and a spouse.
I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.
My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.
I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.
Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.
I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.
I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.
My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.
I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.
Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.
I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Hate feeling so alone
I have been very blessed. I haven't felt as alone as I do right now for a while. That is a huge blessing. I forget how crappy it feels to be here. I hate not having a boyfriend, husband or even love interest that is actually interested in me. Please can it just be my turn?
Nothing is as constant as change
Today a very good friend of mine and co-worker left the Hilton. She moved on to a promotion at another hotel. She will do amazing because she is amazing and amazing always come from those who are. That's a mouth full. :) It got me thinking about how nothing is as constant as change.
You can't live in the same place forever. Your relationships with others will never stay the same, they ebb and flow. Chances are pretty good you won't live in the same place forever. Life is about change. We should get used to it because it will continue to happen.
I have been very blessed. Since Craig and I talked, I really felt fine and didn't want to be with him and I was reminded that I wasn't that attracted to him. I have kept my distance for the first week because I knew it was good. But even in all of that, I wasn't sad and I was completely fine. Friday up in Bear Lake I was falling back into my good feeling security that he is for me where I am drawn to where he is. I am not the only one, he is guilty of coming right back to me as well. But the difference is that he is 99% sure he doesn't want to be with me more than friends. That was fine and dandy until yesterday. He had his shirt off at FHE for our water kickball and he has lost more weight and looked good. Boo! The issue with not being attracted to him is not as big an issue as before. Boo! But I just keep reminding myself that I felt relieved that I wouldn't be with him. It doesn't help that I love that safe feeling and no one else really gives that to me. I need to distance myself again. Oh well. I was very blessed for the last few weeks with not feeling anything. I hope that it will pass soon...very soon. Like now. :)
But what I wrote before is just another change. Our feelings change too. Changes are always happening. The only thing we can do in life is learn to accept them and make the most out of them. I really like a line from Sugarland's "These Are the Days", "...the hard times pass like the good ones do..." because it is so true. The good times come and then they go, the hard times come and then they go. It is like the seasons, after winter always comes spring. Change is inevitable. It may not feel great while it is changing but it will yield some great things if you let it. So here's to trying to be better at accepting change.
You can't live in the same place forever. Your relationships with others will never stay the same, they ebb and flow. Chances are pretty good you won't live in the same place forever. Life is about change. We should get used to it because it will continue to happen.
I have been very blessed. Since Craig and I talked, I really felt fine and didn't want to be with him and I was reminded that I wasn't that attracted to him. I have kept my distance for the first week because I knew it was good. But even in all of that, I wasn't sad and I was completely fine. Friday up in Bear Lake I was falling back into my good feeling security that he is for me where I am drawn to where he is. I am not the only one, he is guilty of coming right back to me as well. But the difference is that he is 99% sure he doesn't want to be with me more than friends. That was fine and dandy until yesterday. He had his shirt off at FHE for our water kickball and he has lost more weight and looked good. Boo! The issue with not being attracted to him is not as big an issue as before. Boo! But I just keep reminding myself that I felt relieved that I wouldn't be with him. It doesn't help that I love that safe feeling and no one else really gives that to me. I need to distance myself again. Oh well. I was very blessed for the last few weeks with not feeling anything. I hope that it will pass soon...very soon. Like now. :)
But what I wrote before is just another change. Our feelings change too. Changes are always happening. The only thing we can do in life is learn to accept them and make the most out of them. I really like a line from Sugarland's "These Are the Days", "...the hard times pass like the good ones do..." because it is so true. The good times come and then they go, the hard times come and then they go. It is like the seasons, after winter always comes spring. Change is inevitable. It may not feel great while it is changing but it will yield some great things if you let it. So here's to trying to be better at accepting change.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Watch Out
I just feel like I want to yell at everyone because I am so frustrated and it isn't their faults so I thought I would put my thoughts and feelings on here so I don't regret yelling at others for something they didn't do.
I am mad. I am frustrated. I am so sick of it not working out the way I want it to. I am sick of being good friends with men, 2 of them in particular this time around, who are 95% of what I am looking for and them not wanting to be with me. WTH? Then yesterday some Tinder guy was all about me and texting me all day then we become FB friends and maybe a text or 2 after. Am I that horrible to look at??! Seriously, I know I am taking this to an extreme but the timing of all of it creates that issue.
Saturday night as I am talking with Brad, I am thinking this is exactly what I am looking for. Why can't he see it in me? He is too short and lives far away. Those are my issues with him. But are those things I have overlooked because all of the other stuff is so good? Yes. Craig has is 5% missing but his other qualities overwhelm that.
I prayed that whatever was best to happen would happen on Saturday night and I believe it did. I just feel beat down with it never working. It'll pass. I will be happy where I am at again soon, I just get to have my day or 2 to be pissed and hurt about it. I am fine with what the Lord chooses and I believe one day I will be grateful, but today isn't that day. I am grateful that He knows best. I am glad that I really do believe that. I am glad that I would rather still trust in His will over my own wants. I just want it to all work out and soon.
I am mad. I am frustrated. I am so sick of it not working out the way I want it to. I am sick of being good friends with men, 2 of them in particular this time around, who are 95% of what I am looking for and them not wanting to be with me. WTH? Then yesterday some Tinder guy was all about me and texting me all day then we become FB friends and maybe a text or 2 after. Am I that horrible to look at??! Seriously, I know I am taking this to an extreme but the timing of all of it creates that issue.
Saturday night as I am talking with Brad, I am thinking this is exactly what I am looking for. Why can't he see it in me? He is too short and lives far away. Those are my issues with him. But are those things I have overlooked because all of the other stuff is so good? Yes. Craig has is 5% missing but his other qualities overwhelm that.
I prayed that whatever was best to happen would happen on Saturday night and I believe it did. I just feel beat down with it never working. It'll pass. I will be happy where I am at again soon, I just get to have my day or 2 to be pissed and hurt about it. I am fine with what the Lord chooses and I believe one day I will be grateful, but today isn't that day. I am grateful that He knows best. I am glad that I really do believe that. I am glad that I would rather still trust in His will over my own wants. I just want it to all work out and soon.
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