Some days it is simply too damn hard to keep going. Today feels like that kind of day. I feel like I am all twisted up inside and still have no idea how to feel and where to go.
On Thanksgiving I spent it with my boss and her family. I respect, like and am grateful for her. I learn a lot from her. Well, her son is not only hot, but he and I really hit it off and had a great connection. I hate saying that but really, it's nice when you just fall right into it and it feels passionate, fun and exciting. We started to snap and text non-stop while he was here. I thought when he left that it would stop. It didn't. And now 7 weeks later we are still texting and snapping. Not at the same speed we were but there is still interest there on both sides. But I believe he is either losing interest or just letting this go because let's face it, there is no logical thing that makes sense with us. Then when you take it from my side...boss' son, not Mormon, shorter than me, 25 and lives in FL. Yeah, that makes perfect sense, right? Well, whether it makes sense or not, 7 weeks later I like him. Sometimes a lot. He has been so sincerely sweet to me and the fact that it has basically been 7 weeks straight of hearing from him and seeing his extremely handsome face, I am attached. Even though I tried not to be. I have gone out with people here....tried to go out with guys in Utah while I was there, tried to go out with non-members here even last week just to get my mind here in San Diego. And now sitting here tonight, it makes my heart really, really sad that I haven't heard from him and knowing that really, I'm sure it's on the outs.
I had a friend in town and we talked a lot about marriage and what is happening in the marriages of those closer to me. It is so discouraging. Why am I so hard set on WAITING....freaking FOREVER...to find the guy who will take me to the Temple when even our good old Mormon guys are sucking ass?! They're gay and cheating but not telling their family about it and it's okay because they're not breaking up a family....are you effing kidding me?! Or you marry them, find out 6 months in that they really just want to be a woman and then continue to transform into one making this life you had planned a complete mess. This doesn't even come close to the guys who cheat on their wives or who fall away from the church. Granted a lot of these things are not unique to Mormons so why hold it against these guys? I wish I wasn't. I just so deeply want to be loved...loved by a man who sees me for me and deeply loves me for the exact person I am. I want a Temple marriage and that's why I am 32 and still single. But let me tell you what pisses me off. I have taken care of everyone my entire life and I am no ones first priority. Let me tell you, this sucks horribly. I have NEVER been able to just feel completely taken care of and safe. The closest thing I have is my sister and she isn't my parent or spouse. She can't be this person. Even though I a more blessed with her in my life than I could imagine. She blesses my life everyday. But I have to tell you, I just want to be loved in a romantic way....and have KIDS.
So now I am here in SD doing my best. I am trying to do my very best at my job. And my job is EXHAUSTING. It is stressful basically every single day. I always have to be on my toes. I always have to be on my "A" game and stay ahead of anything that could possibly come my way, while managing a team, and bringing in a lot of revenue and keeping everyone happy. I work long hours and I am so tired at the end of the day. But I have already gained 7 pounds from living here and FEEL fat and gross and hate that I have gone backwards in my goals when I worked so hard to get where I was and know how to stay there. Why can't I just do it? So after work, I go to the gym and then I come home to make healthier food for myself so I can feel better. But then there is the part where I am supposed to be social. And tonight I learned I am not doing a good enough job of that either. I can't win. I want to go out and have fun but they all live at least 30 minutes away each way and we usually go out to eat...don't have money, don't have energy. And even when I finally make it up, I am so glued to my phone wanting to hear from Blake and living through my phone that I am not really here. So therefore again not jumping into SD when that is what I need to be doing. Even knowing I need to really be here and feeling that today in the Temple, when I got out of the Temple and had nothing from Blake, it still hurt. A lot.
I was told that I need to go around more for these guys because I am intimidating...I am successful, smart beautiful...blah blah blah....well you have to feel like those things and yes I come off confident but I am so struggling and I don't feel successful, I feel stressed. Yes I am blessed to have a great job and Heavenly Father strengthens me to be able to do it, but I just feel exhausted. I don't feel beautiful because I simply am not feeling good enough for anyone lately. I know that has to change. And with these feelings, I just feel like I am falling behind on everything I have worked so hard to do to become healthy inside.
I fasted on Sunday that I would be led with Blake whatever way it should go. It's going to end. I so have that hope that he is going to choose me, find the Gospel and choose it on his own and one day take me to the Temple...that's not the likely future. What's going to happen is that he is going to lose interest because Heavenly Father always takes men out of my life that ultimately are not the best for me, it's going to hurt and eventually I will move on again and be single. Because that's just what I do. Why would there be a light at the end of the damn tunnel for marriage? I want too many things that don't seem to all fit into one package. But at the end of the day even with all of my anger and frustration, I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord and that will continue to be my choice. I hate that there is a chance that means me going to my grave a virgin, no kids and never having the one thing that I want more than anything else. While I am mad and don't feel this right now, it is supposedly the happiest way. I believe that. But I am all twisted inside right now. I don't want to do this part anymore. I want the good, I want the amazing, I want the breathtaking. I will end up not choosing Blake because I have to choose to be obedient to the Lord. I hate that today. I hate that I think Heavenly Father is leading him away from me. But at the end of the day, there is no other way besides the Lord. And right now, I hate that answer and it's just too damn hard.
