Ouch

Since my last post, it has been like walking uphill, non-stop. I hate that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I really have tried to change this but if I am hurt, the brightness in my eyes is gone and there isn't much I can do to disguise that. The last two weeks went from hard to impossible and just plain low. So I pose a question, how do you find happiness in all things, even those things that break your heart? I've learned a lot about myself recently. All choices have consequences, even when you are trying to do the best you can and think you are doing someting right. I have been so prayerful in all I do, especially in the last 6 months that I thought I would be perfectly led. I'm sure I will see that I have been. I believe I will be able to see that more fully in a couple of months when I am able to look back on this without being in the middle and blind. But honestly, even when my intentions are good, I still feel that my choice two months ago has brought consequences that are the exact opposite of what I had hoped they would be. But in thinking about that, aren't I allowed mistakes? Aren't I allowed to be me? I should be able to be me. And I communicate. But what I don't do as well is have patience. Now try this one on for size. In every relationship I have been in, there is this looming thought that comes from my blessing. It states, "when in the selection of a mate, remember the principles of patience and kindness and understanding..." So that means that when normal people walk out and give up, I stay and have hope. So far, this hasn't worked out so well for me. But here I am again, in the spot where normal people walk away, and I am giving it until June 15th. Half of the time, this is torture, the other half, it's peaceful and feels good and 100% right. But regardless, I have felt strong that I should give this situation or whatever you want to call this man in my life, until June 15th to make the effort. If he doesn't, I will walk away for good. I'm worth more. I need to be treated in a way that matches my worth. Honestly, I am not asking for too much either. I am asking for that which I will freely give: my whole heart and devotion and all of my love and truly always be there and never give up, and of course, help him in anything that he needs. But in all of these things I need to get these same things back. So when I say walk away for good, I really want to mean it and I think I will. Regardless of my daddy issues, I know that I am worth more and I won't settle for less. I have great people in my life who will make sure of it. There is a scripture in 1st Peter 1:6-7ish and talks about having this great trial before it all works out. From the moment I read that, I felt that for me before I get married, that I would go through the hardest trial of my life because getting married is the thing I want most. If this isn't it, I am not so sure I will be able to take it. This for new reasons I am learning about myself each day, is incredibly hard for me. It isn't every day that you find someone that you actually want to be with. Well, at least people with standards don't usually. If you are looking for anyone, sure, no problem. But I am almost 30 and not looking to mess around anymore. I am looking for the whole package. And as I previously stated, it isn't that I am asking for too much. So let's go back to the question, how do you find happiness in all things, even those things that break your heart? I don't know the answer to that question, but I am searching, right now, as I go through it. One thing that I read recently is to thank Heavenly Father for ALL things. Yeah, that means the heart pain I am in now. So I have been thanking Him for the opportunity to go through this. I don't see it now how this will be of a benefit to me, but I know one day I will. While my head knows that, my heart is a little slow on the uptake. I have also had a lot of revelation during this time. Some days I can't see all of it, but my best friend can and she reminds me of it. It isn't that I can't get over this man, because from my previous ex who I wasn't sure I could get over, I know I can. This man right now is the best fit I have ever had and if he lets himself give us a chance and keep trying, it could turn into something more amazing than either of us could imagine, but he has to choose that and I don't want to make someone do anything. It has to be of his own free will and choice. But just like my choice a couple of months ago had a consequence, so will his whichever way he goes. I am doing my best each day. I go out and do something each day to bring a smile to my face. I look forward to the day when this all makes sense and when my heart stops hurting. Until then, I will keep trying.